I went to church on Sunday. I am not a usual church-goer.
I was brought up Catholic. I went to a Lutheran service. I consider/ed myself agnostic not quite atheist. I like the traditions of the church. My two children have been baptised. And I threw beautiful parties for them. Parties that took me months to plan. Parties where I made elaborate cakes and sewed cloth napkins. Maybe I like parties more than traditions. I was a theology major at Boston College. I probably would accurately consider myself a spiritualist. I don’t usually pray, but I meditate. I believe in a connected energy. I’m not real sure what I believe really. I always said I would like to teach my kids religion and bring them up in one, because it is easier to be born within something and come to know it and either embrace it later or reject it later, but it is harder to just be brought up without it and then try to come to know it. That is not my only reason, but one of them, good or not.
I could probably write pages and pages of posts about religion. I could come at it from lots of different angles. The history of, the validity of, the healing power, my past relationship with it, my current etc. I don’t have the time or the energy (or the knowledge-really) to formulate my thoughts into any real sense.
Anyway, as you know, I have been seeking professional help to cope with the grieving. However, the financial cost of that is starting to become prohibitive. In the days immediately following the loss, I reached out to a pregnancy crisis center. Actually, it was one I was familiar with, as they initially helped me with my first pregnancy. I always thought of a pregnancy crisis center as a resource for young women/girls who find themselves pregnant and alone, without money, young etc. I never thought to reach out to them for my last pregnancy. But HG should probably count as a crisis pregnancy. Anyway, I digress.
The resource center is certainly faith-based, and they have an agenda. But there doesn’t seem to be any organization offering counseling or support to women that aren’t faith-based. I meet with a woman, and she is very kind and another person to speak to . She offers to pray for me. Sometimes it’s comforting, sometimes it’s not. Mostly it is though. I can’t necessarily apply all she says for me. And I don’t know if I buy Jesus as the solution to my problems and pain. I selectivly apply the things she says, if they make sense to me. Not trying to offend anyone here, again, just relaying my truth.
Sometimes I say, I don’t even care if, religion, God, Jesus, any of it is true, but hey if it helps me feel better… I want the peace others have. I want to surround myself with loving people like this woman. She says she is filled with the love of God, then hey sign me up. I want what she’s having. I am ready to drink the cool-aid, I want to go back into the matrix or maybe it’s enlightenment I seek. My history with religion would certainly show I have been seeking and struggling with this journey for a long time. I asked the woman if she thinks that is a disingenuous reason to seek out faith and go to church. She doesn’t think it is. She says this is often the very reason people do seek out the church. When they are hurting most. I guess that seems true enough. My husband is of the same mind as me in regards to all this (and in the past I would have to club and drag him to church with me).
So off we went. The opening song at church and the following sermon was titled “Breathe In, Breathe Out.” I about died. Too coincidental to ignore. I cried, but I didn’t feel that sad. Just cathartic maybe. Perhaps it was a sign. Maybe I am being led here. Maybe the Heavens are after all trying to speak to me.
I don’t know if faith is the ultimate thing that will bring about healing. I don’t know if it will bring about peace for me. It is hard. When a natural loss occurs I think it is a little easier to find peace in a divine plan, etc. (not that it lessens the pain), but provides comfort possibly. This wasn’t a natural loss though. And medical reason aside, there is a lot of guilt that accompanies my loss, as I’ve stated. This wasn’t the divine’s doing. It was mine. So is there peace and comfort in faith? That remains to be seen.
I am going to participate in this abortion healing program her church runs. I’m skeptical. She says there isn’t a woman who has participated who hasn’t felt healed after. That’s a pretty big claim. I didn’t want to burst her bubble, but I wanted to tell her I would probably be the first who didn’t come out whole and healed. I wanted to know how many of the women who have gone through this program, truly wanted a baby? How many named their child and spoke to it? I wanted the true statistics, of how many shared their news with everyone they knew because of the pure joy in their heart? I wanted the scientific facts and data, as I always do, so I could definitivly determine if this would really work. But of course, I didn’t want to seem rude, so I just nodded and proverbially threw my hands up. That’s not to say that I won’t enter into it with an open mind. I certainly will. Like I said, if this works, sign me up.
I will be sure to write about the process.
***UPDATE*** The song is actually called “You are my God” by Nicol Sponberg and the beggining lyrics are “breathe in, breathe out”
It was written by a woman who lost her infant to SIDS, its not a wonder that it speaks to me then.