A Post About Nothing

Today I was seduced by cinnamon rolls in the kitchen.  I am so weak sometimes.  Then I figured since I’m already weak and the huge bowl of pretzel m&ms that have been taunting me since I started this diet, were no longer going to escape my wrath! So I ate those too. Now I feel kind of guilty and sort of sick and wish I didn’t eat them. But I  know I secretly have plans to return to the bowl later anyway. I’m a real piece of work.

My kids have been sick. My son has had just under 104 degrees for two days now.  But the fever finally dropped last night.  I am also sick and so is my husband ( I really dread when he gets sick- because I don’t know if all men are like this- but he is worse than the kids when he is sick! Although this time he hasn’t been bad).

So I don’t know if I have been a little bit better this week, because we are in survival mode or what.  I did have to cancel my weekly therapy session, and I wonder if it had something to do with that, as they are emotionally exhausting. And when I say “better” let me clarify that it means I cried every two hours not every hour this week. But I’ll take it! I am all stuffed up real bad, so I am really forcing myself not to cry today- I think my sinuses need a serious break.

I wrote an email to my therapist that I was considering medication. She says “not a bad idea.” Not sure if that means she thinks I need them, or she thinks they are good for people in general. I don’t know. And I don’t know how I feel about medications. Well actually I do know! I don’t like medicine. I don’t even take Tylenol. But I do need something to help me coast a little.  I’m still thinking about it. I’ll reasearch it when I don’t have snotty sick children whining and trying to meld their bodies into mine.

In other exciting news (maybe exciting) my husband is going to do a guest post on my blog.  It is going to be his valentine’s day gift to me.  I don’t know what it is going to be about. I told him I would love for him to write about anything really, but gave suggestions that he could write about an HG pregnancy from a man’s point of view, the loss of the baby, the idea of going through it again.  How he is dealing or grieving. Or just his HG story, as I wrote mine. I don’t know.

Now I have to preface that my husband doesn’t like writing. In fact I wrote a few of his school papers from my hospital bed with my first HG pregnancy if you can believe that! I think it’s because language is a little bit of a struggle for him, as he is severely hearing impaired. I don’t even know the extent of his hearing impairment because he fakes it very well. I know he doesn’t hear a lot of what I say, or he chooses to ignore me.  He definetly can’t hear me when I call out from another room- which I do often, because I forget. He wears a hearing aid in one ear and doesn’t really wear one in the other ear, as he is mostly deaf in that ear anyway. We are in the process of getting new hearing aids for him-Maybe- if the insurance comes through and I am so excited that this will make his quality of life a little better! So keep your fingers crossed.

Truth be told,(and he loves to mention this), It was kismet that I found someone who can “turn their ears off” I talk! A lot! and I don’t even stop in my sleep. And sometimes I wake up and a  thought pops in my head and I wake him up and point to his hearing aid because I have something I just have to tell him right now.  He gives me dirty looks and rolls over and doesn’t put his hearing aid on, and I go back to bed, because it would be futile to talk. We are a perfect match.  He is the most handsome man I have ever seen in real life and I seriously still get nervous and giggly when he comes into a room. This is not to say that sometimes he doesn’t annoy the crap out of me. He does.  But then I kind of remember how handsome he is and and all is well.  On a serious note, I sometimes feel very angry at him about all that has happened. He knows this.  We are trying to navigate these waters together.  It is a lot of work. But he has been my rock right now.

So if he feels better, and not too tired  then I hope to have a special guest blog post, about something or nothing again, early next week.

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One Response to A Post About Nothing

  1. Ashli says:

    Part of me was furious at my husband for a very long time re: the matter. However, my then-new, crystal-clear view of human fallibility enabled me to find real forgiveness for him eventually. I’m not sure I can say it made us stronger, but neither am I sure I can say it made us any weaker. It’s part of the experience, and you are SO not alone in it. I hear this all the time. I’m sorry this sucky experience happened to you guys. You can make it through this. Everything is so fresh for you. This really is the suckiest part of it all. Dude, I lost my job after it happened, lay on the couch crying all day, didn’t bathe, cried every hour. Yep. I know what you’re sayin. In so saying, hearing that you can get through this probably isn’t very comforting right now. Man, I’m sorry. It sucks. It just does. I hear you. Just wanna comment about the pharms: I took them cuz everyone told me I should. I thought it was kinda weird, because my grief wasn’t caused by an imbalance, but they kept telling me that such prolonged grief could CAUSE one to occur. So I did the pharms, but started having side effects that were unpleasant and reminded me of some of the experiences I’d had with pharms and HG. So I quit, much to everyone’s chagrin. And yet here I am. My new post-HG rule was that as long as I was not harming anyone in the process I would do what I had to do for MYSELF. If you take pharms and they help then YAE! AWESOME! If you take pharms and later decide to let them go, you can still get through this. You can still survive. Do not be afraid.

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