Busy

It was good for me to be busy. My hiatus was spent mostly tear free.  I wasn’t just busy, I was occupied.  Occupied so that my mind didn’t have time to wander. And I even experienced some joy-imagine.  Not without guilt for experiencing it though.  But never-the-less, I felt happy and I felt happy that I wasn’t sick.  Grateful even.  Its confusing. Does that mean I don’t regret things? The fact that for a few moments I even thought, perhaps given the chance to be sick again, as in a do-over, that I wouldn’t jump to take it, because it would mean being sick.  At times the thought that crept in was that maybe I even made an ok decision? I think this all comes down to the fact that it is just not black or white, wrong or right for me. I  want to label it one or the other in an attempt to order things, but I can’t,  it doesn’t fit for me, so I have to reconcile that, at least right now.

 I think mostly all of this means I just don’t want to be sick and I don’t really want to willing take up that plight.

I know in my heart of hearts that given the choice I would take the do over, but I guess I wouldn’t do it with a smile on my face, I might even hesitate at the choice. Even though it would feel like my prayers were coming true?  A true testament to how awful HG can really make you feel.

Back at work today.  Tons of work to do. But I’m not as engaged in it as I should be. Clearly. I am writing a blog post afterall. I haven’t been engaged in it, since I started the job. There is too much going on in my head.  If they knew what I did all day, I would be in major jeopardy of loosing this job. It’s hard to care.

Will changing jobs fix this? I don’t know. Sometimes I think maybe. Or perhaps it will just be the same with different scenery.  My head is just not in this game, doesn’t matter much if you change the players.

I am going to stop therapy.  I had to cancel the last two appointments for various reasons. I have felt better not going.  Perhaps it’s too soon, or too raw, or maybe it is not for me now or ever. I don’t know.  I am just going on instincts right now. If it feels good I do it, if it doesn’t I’m not.

I’m going to start going back to the gym.  I use to be a fanatic.  I hope not to take it to fanatic level, but you all already know I’m obsessive about things.

The bible study group had their first meeting on Sunday. I totally forgot. I lost my day planner right before the HG hit last time.  haven’t looked for it.  Makes me miss lots of meetings.  The woman called, she sounded annoyed. I had no excuse except oops I forgot. Sadly, it’s not the first time I’ve done that her.  It’s rude. It makes me feel kind of bad.  I do appreciate her time.

One of the downsides to being busy and occupied is that you forget other things too I guess.  It’s kind of selfish and kind of hard to care.  I wish I was occupied again. I want to get through the days and weeks so that the wound stings a little less. I had a glimpse of  it last weekend, not always thinking about the pain of this, it was sort of nice.

Right now my mind is traveling to how many weeks I’d be, and how I probably wouldn’t even be sick anymore…..not as nice.

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One Response to Busy

  1. Ashli says:

    The gym is a positive way to work some of the energy out. Don’t let it morph into self-punishing. (Do I sound like your mother yet?)

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