I had a good cry yesterday, in the car, on my way home from work. For whatever reason, that’s when the loss always hits me the hardest.
Maybe my eyes were puffy when I got home, but I didn’t say anything about anything. After bath and dinner, I was sitting on the couch with my little ones, watching Nemo, and my oldest says out of no where. “If you miss the baby, you shouldn’t have done what you done.” Did she see my puffy red eyes? Does she sense perpetual sadness? I don’t know.
This is the second time she has said something like that. This is the kind of statment that knocks the wind out of you. Of course, she doesn’t know what she’s saying. But it is clear that she is trying to process feelings about it. I am not really sure what she knows or understands, or really what’s been told to her about it. It that crazy haze leading up to the termination, I think I told her that mommy was very sick and the Doctor has to take the baby out. I remember her asking me, after the procedure, if when you take a baby out of your tummy too soon, does it go to heaven? I answered, “I hope so.”
I don’t know if it was age appropriate to tell her what we told her, and she hears a lot of what we say, and I should probably censor myself more around her, but I guess I don’t. I’m not real sure how to help her work out her feelings. If she has feelings that need to be worked out. Yesterday, I just told her, it’s more complicated than that. And even though you don’t mean to be it is hurtful to say that to mommy. And I was honest again by saying, Mommy wishes she didn’t do what she did. But Mommy was also very sick. I feel like I should have taken her into my arms and asked her how she felt about everything. But I think I was just shell shocked. I will maybe try to do that tonight.
She went back to watching Nemo after that.
I tried to look up children’s books on miscarriage (pregnancy loss) (I don’t think they make theraputic termination children’s books) but I don’t even know if I’m emotionally stable enough to order something like that and read it.
I cried last night again. It was, after all, her sister or her brother. She has a right to feel angry or hurt or confused about it too.