I kind of thought I might be pregnant

but I’m not.  I mean it would have been nearly an immaculate conception, but I was kind of excited at the idea. I was going to buy a pregnancy test today.  But now I don’t have to.  I’m not ready to be pregnant and I’m definitely not trying to get pregnant, But when I thought I was, I was kind of excited anyway.  I should probably feel relieved that I’m not, but instead I feel upset about it. It is mixed with the feeling that I am not actually third trimester pregnant like I should be. So I feel kind of angry.

Tonight is the bible study class. I read the book, I didn’t do the exercises or fill out the work sheet like she said I have to.  It doesn’t make sense.  One of the first questions is about keeping the pregnancy and subsequent abortion a secret.  Um, I told people I didn’t even know I was pregnant right after I got the double lines! and I continue to tell people about the termination. People I don’t even know.

Tomorrow starts my gym sessions. I am actually more excited about that than tonight. I have it on Wed. too and then on Thurs I am going to see my homeopathic Dr. to talk about cleanses etc. So a busy week, and  I guess I’ll see my kids on Friday. But I do like feeling proactive. I’m trying to fake it until I make it.

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2 Responses to I kind of thought I might be pregnant

  1. Diana J. says:

    Hello, Juliana!

    I have never attended these abortion classes, but I know that they are geared toward women who had an “inconvenient” problem pregnancy, not those who ended one because of physical suffering…. So just because of that, the focus is different by necessity. I hope that they are a blessing to you, but if not, you’ll know that they are ministering to a different demographic.

    I wanted to let you know that I am going to be posting a miscarriage story (my own, from five years ago) on my blogs sometime today – if that is something you would rather not read right now, I wanted to give you knowledge of that in advance!

    Also, thank you so much for your comment on my birth blog – I was super-impressed with the work that you did for your birth! Wow! If you would ever like to type up that birth story, I would love to link to it or post it.

    And back to HG, I often (due to our inconsistent use of NFP) have pregnancy “scares”. It’s a combination of terror and joy… a truly odd mix. I’m going to write about that really soon on my own blog.

    Lots of love!

    • Thanks for your comment Diana. I will of course be reading your story. I don’t hide from other stories. They are part of life. Sometimes it is triggering, as they say, but really everything is triggering these days.
      Miscarriage is a real loss, it is sad. It is hard to grasp the sadness of it, unless you have gone through it or a similar situation. It is also not spoken about much and often people aren’t comforted about it, or in inappropriate ways. So I understand that, although I have not experienced that particular type of loss.
      I appreciate you making that distinction regarding the “abortion Classes.” I do hope they are a blessing, but I do think it is not really meant for someone in my situation. But the point is, there aren’t ministries and books and grief counselors for people in my situation, and I think that makes it all the harder. Hence the blog. It’s hard to feel alone in this type of grief. But luckily there aren’t a lot of women who suffer from this affliction to warrant, books and groups I guess. My hope is that this can become a gathering place or a comfort or source or something….

      My birth story with both my children is beautiful. They both changed me in ways I couldn’t comprehend or forsee. My First especially. It changed a lot of my philosophys or better yet defined them. I was told and was swallowing so many stories without thinking, much like HG. Being led where others wanted to take me.Combine that with being young and afraid. When you are in it, you trust everyone has your best interest at heart. But sadly it isn’t always true. I had a squirmy gut feeling there was something better than what I was being told my options were. I plunged into research a week before she was born. I continued the work afterwards, so I would be ready for the second. My second birth was exactly how I wanted it to be, and in hindsight so was my first, better even.
      One day I will type them up. I would be honored if you would link them.

      Another quick note: it is important to write and talk about the real terror and joy that comes from finding out you are PG after suffering HG. The terror eventually overwhelmed me. I am without a doubt certain that is what drove me to make my decision, along with swallowing other’s opinions. But if we know about it, can anticipate it, and can find ways to manage then perhaps it will lead to healthier choices. It may have in my situation at least.

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