I spend a lot of my day looking at design and craft blogs and blogs about party planning. If I had my real career dreams come true, I would have wanted to be an actress or an event planner. I love putting together parties and crafting etc and I think I am generally a creative person. I love art, theater, dance…  But here I am,  a boring property attorney!! How on earth did this happen? I use to work in criminal defense law. It was a love/hate relationship. I loved the courtroom. The work was taxing and the stories sometimes  sickening  on both sides.  But I felt like I was doing something meaningful. I don’t know if I can go back to that, but I can’t stay where I’m at either.

I’m in a rut and I’m restless. And all day long I am looking at beautiful craft blogs and photography blogs and adoption websites and Cross-fit sites, etc. and they are stirring something in me that is not really good, but I can’t figure out what it is. I think its the green eyed monster.  I want a house to decorate. I want to be able to take beautiful pictures, I want to adopt, I want to get pregnant, I want to be a better mom, I want to be a stay-at home mom and be more organized. I want to learn graphic design. I want to start a design blog. I want my projects to come out perfectly!  I want to be stronger and lift heavier weights. I want to be skinnier. I want, I want, I want. And while I think it is good to strive towards goals, this is making me feel icky and highlighting the unhappiness that I have been feeling.

 I literally had a melt down (or should I say explosion) yesterday, when my husband carelessly moved my wet freshly painted lamp and ruined it. I may have told him that I actually loved that lamp more than him (I’m going to have to tell him sorry later).  I just wanted it to come out right, the way I see it on the perfect blogs.  I think I am trying to fill some strange void in my life, highlighted by this sudden need for order  and perfection and wanting to create…. that I feel.

Up to this point, I have just been existing. I have been living in this fog since October, and just concentrating on getting out of bed. Taking steps forward one foot at a time. But that’s really not enough to sustain a person, I think if left to exist that way too long, I would perish, and my family will come down with me. I am so quick to anger lately. I yell, I tune out, I retreat.   This is not like me.  Every backround to every thing I do, it is with having a baby in mind. It is actually exhausting. I need to make some changes. I need to take some steps to bring my life into a better balance and to find things that truly make me happy and to have a more grateful attitude for what I do have. The focus on what I lost, is starting to eat away at me.  Its a perspective thing.

I have started by changing the way that I have been living. I am actively working on deepening my spiritual life. (I saw this quote I like that inspired me toward that: “we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience”). But I also need to  and am kind of ready to figure out what other things truly bring me joy, and then to try and focus on doing more of that and filling my life with it. I can’t just keep existing. It’s not enough, and its a waste of the gift of life.  But the thought of all that is overwhelming me right now, so I think I am going to take a few deep breaths, worry about all this later and go hang out at the beach for lunch.

This entry was posted in grieving, spiritual, Treatment, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Restless

  1. dallison says:

    I love the quote in your last paragraph.

    There is nothing wrong with wanting for feed your soul. You need that. You deserve that. Those things you listed…those are the things that feed your beautiful, creative soul…a soul that craves something beyond “law”.

    The things that give you joy? You already know it is those beautiful people that live under your roof. Those are the blessings that surround us everyday. They are the ones who have the most mercy on us and are still hanging around when we regain our balance.

    I hope you went to the beach for lunch. Sunshine and a warm breeze could only feel good.

  2. mommyponders says:

    Bless your heart! Can I say though, who of us has NOT been there?? Most people aren’t going to post the pictures of their kids when they look gross or sticky (today, for instance, after realizing my son hasn’t been bathed since …. I wiped him down with a wipee. Am I proud? No. Is it real life? Yes.) Likewise, they aren’t going to post pictures of the less than perfect lamps. I’m sure it still turned out beautifully, and for what its worth, more people stop by here than leave comments. I admire your level of disclosure and honesty on your blog. It’s open and real and refreshing, and something I aspire to be more like in my own. So thank you for that. And you aren’t alone. 🙂

    • funny enough, my mom saw the lamp yesterday, and said she loved it and it was the most beautiful lamp. And what’s more funny, is that my mom declaring my artwork beautiful, makes me feel better about it -lol- even though she has to say that! Maybe i’ll post a picture and everyone can oh and ah over it, and boost my lamp/craft self-esteem.

      Thank you for you comment. I love reading your blog. It’s so helpful to me as I try to navigate if we are meant to adopt and how/where or to go through another pregnancy or to stop being restless and be happy with our two bundles….

      • mommyponders says:

        I think you should totally post a picture of the lamp on here. Even if it isn’t perfect, and you want to make your post about it lighthearted, or talk about how art can come from imperfection. Readers (especially me!) love that kind of stuff. The less perfect, the better. I love that you love reading my blog. I’m so happy that something I’ve said can help others through HG or the adoption process or anything really. You’re a talented writer, and I enjoy reading what you have to say too. You do have something to offer. Your sincerity and vulnerability are something most people lack in the real world- forget about the internet. For what it’s worth… not that it’s any of my business, but I believe that if you have a desire in your heart for something based on genuine and sincere reasons, it’s because God has plans to fulfill that desire. I don’t mean wealth or fame or material items…So maybe that restlessness you’re experiencing has a purpose. Keep searching out its roots.

  3. mommyponders says:

    If you don’t mind, I’d like to add a link to your blog on my Home page. I’m looking to add links to some great HG blogs and other adoption blogs.

  4. Ashli says:

    Short fuse. Very common response.

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