I spend a lot of my day looking at design and craft blogs and blogs about party planning. If I had my real career dreams come true, I would have wanted to be an actress or an event planner. I love putting together parties and crafting etc and I think I am generally a creative person. I love art, theater, dance… But here I am, a boring property attorney!! How on earth did this happen? I use to work in criminal defense law. It was a love/hate relationship. I loved the courtroom. The work was taxing and the stories sometimes sickening on both sides. But I felt like I was doing something meaningful. I don’t know if I can go back to that, but I can’t stay where I’m at either.
I’m in a rut and I’m restless. And all day long I am looking at beautiful craft blogs and photography blogs and adoption websites and Cross-fit sites, etc. and they are stirring something in me that is not really good, but I can’t figure out what it is. I think its the green eyed monster. I want a house to decorate. I want to be able to take beautiful pictures, I want to adopt, I want to get pregnant, I want to be a better mom, I want to be a stay-at home mom and be more organized. I want to learn graphic design. I want to start a design blog. I want my projects to come out perfectly! I want to be stronger and lift heavier weights. I want to be skinnier. I want, I want, I want. And while I think it is good to strive towards goals, this is making me feel icky and highlighting the unhappiness that I have been feeling.
I literally had a melt down (or should I say explosion) yesterday, when my husband carelessly moved my wet freshly painted lamp and ruined it. I may have told him that I actually loved that lamp more than him (I’m going to have to tell him sorry later). I just wanted it to come out right, the way I see it on the perfect blogs. I think I am trying to fill some strange void in my life, highlighted by this sudden need for order and perfection and wanting to create…. that I feel.
Up to this point, I have just been existing. I have been living in this fog since October, and just concentrating on getting out of bed. Taking steps forward one foot at a time. But that’s really not enough to sustain a person, I think if left to exist that way too long, I would perish, and my family will come down with me. I am so quick to anger lately. I yell, I tune out, I retreat. This is not like me. Every backround to every thing I do, it is with having a baby in mind. It is actually exhausting. I need to make some changes. I need to take some steps to bring my life into a better balance and to find things that truly make me happy and to have a more grateful attitude for what I do have. The focus on what I lost, is starting to eat away at me. Its a perspective thing.
I have started by changing the way that I have been living. I am actively working on deepening my spiritual life. (I saw this quote I like that inspired me toward that: “we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience”). But I also need to and am kind of ready to figure out what other things truly bring me joy, and then to try and focus on doing more of that and filling my life with it. I can’t just keep existing. It’s not enough, and its a waste of the gift of life. But the thought of all that is overwhelming me right now, so I think I am going to take a few deep breaths, worry about all this later and go hang out at the beach for lunch.