A Letter to My Baby

I am so sorry. Sorry that I was so afraid and sorry that I didn’t really acknowledge your life and humanness.

It was a huge mistake, I have regretted it every moment of every day.  I would give my life to take it back. I  wish desperately to feel you move inside me. I sometimes rub my belly like you are still in there.  I dream of what your birth would have been like, and I can almost feel and picture the joy it would have been to welcome you into my arms for the first time.  To pull you from my body, and hold you, fresh into this world, covered still in the smell of labor.  I wish that you would get to be part of our family and that I could show you off with pride to everyone.

I want so badly to see you play and chase bubbles with your brother and sister. and see you delight at what the world has to offer.  In only one month I would have gotten to meet you, and kiss your sweet head and smell your sweet baby milk breath.  I would be holding you close to my beating heart to calm you and to feel the thumping of life in your chest upon mine.

I was a poor mother to you, and there is really no excuse for it.  I was in such a fog, and I don’t know what I was thinking. It wasn’t about all those beautiful moments we would have.  I wasn’t thinking about how 9 months of my life, would seem so insignificant compared to the lifetime we could have shared.

I don’t deserve anything from you, but for what its worth I offer my forgiveness and mostly all my love.

I shall never sleep soundly again, until the day you and I are together, sweet baby. I miss you and love you , and I will never forget you or our time together.  You are mine, we were one and I carry you always. I will scream out to the world of your beautiful and perfect existence and my poor decision and I hope it shall change the world we are in and I hope it will transform this into something worthwhile.

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7 Responses to A Letter to My Baby

  1. Diana says:

    You are a wonderful mommy – that was such a sweet letter.

  2. Rashmi says:

    You’ve got a gift – to express how you feel. I have felt all these feelings and still do every moment of every day and because I’m not good at words I don;t know how to verbalise how I feel. I also had to terminate my pregnancy due to HG last December . I had a 3 year old son to take care of and I and my husband were not that strong this time, I said I wanted my life back. How naive…because after that moment my life has not been the same and would never be. I’ll take HG anyday over this guilt that I’ve to go through. Thank you for writing down your feelings and expressing so beautifully how the emotions that women like me and you are going through.

  3. ashli says:

    You are not alone.

  4. mom says:

    My heart aches for your pain. I feel somewhat responsible that I wasnt able to help you the way you needed to be helped. All I knew is that you were suffering so much and felt I shouldnt make decisons that were so personal. I’m sorry I failed you as well. Take some comfort that Baby is near us and our family angel.

  5. Building Strong Beginnings says:

    Thank you for sharing your heart with us. My prayers are with you and your family!

  6. Susan says:

    The loss of an unborn baby is always a tragedy no matter what the circumstances. If only people could understand just how overwhelming HG is when you are in it. Then at least in the absence of a cure you would have received the support and treatment you needed.

  7. hgmama says:

    So sorry for what you went through. Your post brought me to tears. HG is a horrible disease. I’m going through my 2nd HG pregnancy right now. In the worst of it (the first trimester), I have had many, many dark moments and thoughts of death to just end the nausea/vomiting. Love and prayers for you and your family.

    http://www.prisonerinmyowbody.wordpress.com

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