Back to Eating Junk

Well not totally, but for the past week. WHY? I was doing so good on my “detox” diet, and really focusing on possibly getting my body ready for another pregnancy, but I’ve definitely fallen off the track.  And I am even on a some sort of liver cleansing thing, (which takes like poop).  I imagine it is sabotage to eat inordinate amounts of chocolate at the same time you are doing a cleanse (thank you Easter). It is also probably a collosial waste of money.

Well the truth is, I don’t really have plans to get pregnant again. I am so conflicted over this. The thing is, I’m not real sure I want another baby.  I feel guilty for saying that, but before all this, I was so happy with my two, and I felt truly “done.” It wasn’t a decision I made or me and my husband made, but just an easy content feeling that we both shared.

And now- discontent- all over the place. Hubs is saying no more babies. Which gets me so mad. But sometimes he waivers, and he says he will have another if I want one. (but mostly he says no) Did I mention how mad that make me?!!?  Even though, I waiver too. I want another, I guess,  but really I want the one I lost.  I am not quite certain I want to go through pregnancy again, and I don’t know if I want to adopt (finances are an obstacle to this right now anyway) and when I think about a surrogate, I don’t feel inclined to that right now either (finances again although my sister has volunteered for the job- but she lives at the top of the USofA and we live at the bottom). And then I’m not real sure I want to go through diapers and feedings, and the cost and time…and all that a baby involves.

But then I think of their sweet little heads, and the feeling of triumph I might finally feel if I get to hold a baby, and I think I need that to heal a little. IDK! AHHHH

So, I think I am loosing my detox motivation, because there are no concrete plans to really add another baby to the family, and I’m not real sure it’s what I want anyway. I do hate this feeling of discontent or unsettled or whatever you want to call it.  I know a lot of HG women do go through this, and have to reconcile it somehow.  Or maybe they don’t, but I am the type of person that does not like things open-ended. It either is or isn’t, will happen or won’t. I tend to make choices (even abruptly or hastily) and then live it out. Not always a very good way to be, as I think I have now proven to myself. But for better or worse, it is so difficult for me to be in this place of limbo.

Anyone else feeling this, or resolved this somehow?

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7 Responses to Back to Eating Junk

  1. Ashli says:

    Go vegan and unprocessed. Make it a way of life. Have a grain and a veg at each meal and a cup of beans or bean product (such as tempeh) per day. Alicia Silverstone’s Kind Diet is a good first cookbook of this nature–the Superhero section I should say. You’ll enjoy great health, will never need a “cleanse,” and will always be ready come what may. Read the China Study for the reasons why.

    IMHO, you hit the nail on the head when you said you want THAT child back. It is OK not to want any more. Totally unrelated, though hard to keep that in perspective. I know. Been there.

    What is, is. And nothing will erase it. But you can get through it. I didn’t sing for about a year or so afterward. Thought I never would again. But now I do. And I laugh too. And I enjoy life. It doesn’t take anything away from what is or from the love or the deep thing that happened. It’s merely surviving. We are built for that too.

    Love and comfort to you.

  2. S.M. says:

    Don’t worry about not being precise on your cleanse. I also do Vegan, unprocessed, & mostly raw which is a good cleanse by itself. And chocolate is really not so bad. Get the dark chocolate kind with very little sugar. I was eating healthy for several years and did an extensive intestinal, liver / gallbladder cleanse before getting pregnant. I was in the best mental, physical, & emotional health of my life. I got pregnant on the second try. And I still had horrendous, intractable HG, to which no alternative therapy could effect. Liver cleansing is of great value though. It can give a real boost but no need to push it. I am conflicted as well. Its tough because I have no children and probably never will as I don’t have the resources to support an HG pregnancy. But my heart sometimes aches for what will never be.

  3. Lynn says:

    I can identify with what both you and Ashli have said – it is not so much the overwhelming desire to have a baby, but more so to have what might have been. Perhaps a chance at a “do over”. Maybe I can be proactive in preparation? Maybe the HG won’t be so bad? Maybe I can be stronger and not make the same choice?…

    By no means have I reconciled with my emotions, but more and more I realize that my desires are for what I had envisioned for THAT child at THAT point in time. There is no way to rewrite history, but I am can decide the future.

    If I chose to try again, I want to be at an emotional place where I can truly feel comfortable saying, “You are an individual. You will never replace the child I lost, nor would I want you to.” When I am able to shift my focus from what I want to what would be best for a child, I realize that I could not be the best mother as I am still grieving and healing. Until that time, I will wait.

  4. Ashli says:

    Lynn and S.M., I am honored to read your amazing posts. What wonderful women you are. And S.M., what you say is SO important re: diet. We can eat as strictly as monks, but we can still get horrible, devastating HG. I really don’t think the two are related. Of course I still advocate eating healthfully and being as physically healthy as you can be at any point in life. And I do think that when one is going through the horrendousness of this particular post-HG experience, diet can have a positive or negative effect. For example, sugar can actually cause depression which is not helpful to the depressed. It’s like those antiemetics we HGers are given that list nausea as a side effect! LOL! So sugar, in so many comfort foods, just might not be that comforting after all. (The Sugar Blues is a good book on this subject.) The tip on low-sugar chocolate was excellent. Getting enough sleep is another biggie. Bigger than we imagine. I was in a vicious cycle early on because I needed to take care of myself to avoid a dangerous spiral, BUT I was conflicted, because the last thing I felt like doing was taking care of myself. I was very, VERY angry with myself and was thoroughly burdened with heavy self-loathing. So I DIDN’T care for myself, and that just made it all the worse. Even so, I am here today. Caring for myself, singing, appreciating, loving, growing, learning, surviving. I still hate what happened; I am not at peace with it. I still love, want, and miss my child, even cry on occasion 14 years later. But all of that is OK. The point is, there IS life after this experience. It tore me down to the core of who I am, but what was rebuilt is so much better than who I was before. For that at least I am truly grateful. The world is missing someone, lots of someones actually, but the flowers in the garden have color again.

  5. Susan says:

    I keep going back and forth with my feelings. Some days I am all productive making plans for how to deal with another HG pregnancy and then other days I feel like I couldn’t face the prospect again. I don’t want my daughter to be an only child but neither do I want to put her through months of me being ill only for her to lose another sibling. We have agreed provisionally that we will try again but I don’t know whether I can face it again or not. When you get the end result, it is worth everything but the process is so hard. I haven’t resolved it but I find it helps to keep telling myself that I am more likely to regret giving up than trying.

  6. Sue says:

    Conflicted here, too. We’ve been done with diapers for a year, just got rid of the 4-year-old’s naps, and now standing at a crossroads. I’m doing all the same prep work that you are doing, Juliana–found a great doc, found great help, set up the house to run on “automatic” if needed, and mentally feel prepared for another round of HG. But now that the plan is looking pretty solid, I can finally ask myself what other, non-HG women ask themselves before getting pregnant–do I really want to deal with childbirth/recovery, round-the-clock feedings, sleep deprivation (all of which are a cakewalk compared with HG!). To tell the truth, I’m not crazy about babies. But I am taking the long view. I want three “big kids”. Three teens, three twenty-somethings. A house fit to burst.

  7. Ashli says:

    Let us hear from you, Island. After the trauma of Mother’s Day and knowing that this is the month, we’d like to know you’re hanging in there, surviving with the rest of us.

    You are not alone.


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