Well not totally, but for the past week. WHY? I was doing so good on my “detox” diet, and really focusing on possibly getting my body ready for another pregnancy, but I’ve definitely fallen off the track. And I am even on a some sort of liver cleansing thing, (which takes like poop). I imagine it is sabotage to eat inordinate amounts of chocolate at the same time you are doing a cleanse (thank you Easter). It is also probably a collosial waste of money.
Well the truth is, I don’t really have plans to get pregnant again. I am so conflicted over this. The thing is, I’m not real sure I want another baby. I feel guilty for saying that, but before all this, I was so happy with my two, and I felt truly “done.” It wasn’t a decision I made or me and my husband made, but just an easy content feeling that we both shared.
And now- discontent- all over the place. Hubs is saying no more babies. Which gets me so mad. But sometimes he waivers, and he says he will have another if I want one. (but mostly he says no) Did I mention how mad that make me?!!? Even though, I waiver too. I want another, I guess, but really I want the one I lost. I am not quite certain I want to go through pregnancy again, and I don’t know if I want to adopt (finances are an obstacle to this right now anyway) and when I think about a surrogate, I don’t feel inclined to that right now either (finances again although my sister has volunteered for the job- but she lives at the top of the USofA and we live at the bottom). And then I’m not real sure I want to go through diapers and feedings, and the cost and time…and all that a baby involves.
But then I think of their sweet little heads, and the feeling of triumph I might finally feel if I get to hold a baby, and I think I need that to heal a little. IDK! AHHHH
So, I think I am loosing my detox motivation, because there are no concrete plans to really add another baby to the family, and I’m not real sure it’s what I want anyway. I do hate this feeling of discontent or unsettled or whatever you want to call it. I know a lot of HG women do go through this, and have to reconcile it somehow. Or maybe they don’t, but I am the type of person that does not like things open-ended. It either is or isn’t, will happen or won’t. I tend to make choices (even abruptly or hastily) and then live it out. Not always a very good way to be, as I think I have now proven to myself. But for better or worse, it is so difficult for me to be in this place of limbo.
Anyone else feeling this, or resolved this somehow?