I think it must be some rule that if you are pregnant you must either hang out in Disney or in Whole Foods. I have to say, even if I wasn’t sick when I was pregnant, the last place in the world I would want to be sporting a big belly, would be Disney World in May! YUCK.
But there they were, it was like a convention, I guess. We decided to head over to Disney for the weekend. I had a free hotel stay, that I got a year ago and it was about to expire. I didn’t even realize it was mother’s day weekend when I booked it. I just booked it the last weekend before the certificate expired. Which worked out much better than I could have even planned it.
I didn’t realize mother’s day would be hard for me. It’s always previously been just a happy day, and I honestly didn’t give thought that it would be anything but that. That is until they handed me a white flower as I walked into the park, and I just lost it…
But then I had to pull it together, because we had to run to the dumbo ride, before the line got too long…and thus that is how my Mother’s day went. I was intermittently hit with sadness and then would get on a ride and enjoy my children and forget to be sad for a few moments, and then I would feel sad again that I will never have Disney moments with that child and then my kids would complain that it was too hot and they were hungry, and I would tend their needs. And I guess that worked out pretty well, because it kept me from wallowing all day.
I got a comment from a reader that made me feel good actually. (so rest assured it didn’t fall into the “stupid but well-intentioned” category). I got to thinking that it is ok for me to feel sad, and to love my child. I don’t just feel guilty and sad and regretful. I also feel like I love this child, very much. I made a big mistake and a decision that cost the life of my child, but it doesn’t really stop me from feeling like I do love her. This is the analogy I kind of came up with. A few years ago, I remember reading a story about a new mother, who was so overtired and stressed etc., and she drove to work, forgetting that her baby was in the backseat. (She wasn’t usually the one who drove the baby to daycare) and the baby was left in the car all day, and died. I remember feeling so heartbroken for this woman’s loss, and the pain and guilt that she was living with. I remember thinking, “can you imagine? How do you go on after that?” The other spouse would blame her, she would blame herself. But I never thought, she shouldn’t go on, or that she didn’t love her child. She made a huge, tragic mistake. Horrific and sad, and what’s scary is that is the kind of thing that really could happen to anyone, even if you think it never will., because most new moms have felt that frazzled and stressed and tired and forgetful…Anyway, the point is, I feel kind of like that woman must feel.
As a mom, I make a lot of mistakes. I hope I am doing some things right too, but I do lots of things I wish I didn’t. Like I wish I had more patience and didn’t yell at my kids in disney world, when they were fighting over the spray fan. I wish I would have just bought two spray fans. I wish I didn’t always give so much more attention to my son, and coddle him like a baby, but then expect my daughter to act grown up, when she’s so clearly craving that same attention. I do lots of things wrong. I wish I didn’t let my judgment get clouded by the sickness. I wish I would have recognized the life inside of me, as being just as (if not more) important than mine…Some of the mistakes I make are more tragic, or life altering than others.
So that is how my mother’s day went. I guess this month is going to be a lot harder than I thought. I am spending my Tuesdays meeting with the woman I mentioned, the bible study woman, and I think that helps, to just talk it out. (I took up two hours of her time yesterday talking-she must be a saint)
My husband has decided he is done talking about it, and has begun to ignore my crying and whining of “I miss the baby, I want to be big and pregnant.” Etc. So I do need that extra outlet.
I was going to ask him what his thoughts would be on planning something for my due date. I don’t know if I want to plan another distraction, or something more along the lines of a tribute, memorial. Or maybe I should just try to go through it like every other day.