Do All Pregnant Women Hang Out in Disney World?

I think it must be some rule that if you are pregnant you must either hang out in Disney or in Whole Foods.  I have to say, even if I wasn’t sick when I was pregnant, the last place in the world I would want to be sporting a big belly, would be Disney World in May! YUCK.

But there they were, it was like a convention, I guess.  We decided to head over to Disney for the weekend. I had a free hotel stay, that I got a year ago and it was about to expire.  I didn’t even realize it was mother’s day weekend when I booked it.  I just booked it the last weekend before the certificate expired.  Which worked out much better than I could have even planned it.

I didn’t realize mother’s day would be hard for me.  It’s always previously been just a happy day, and I honestly didn’t give thought that it would be anything but that.  That is until they handed me a white flower as I walked into the park, and I just lost it…

But then I had to pull it together, because we had to run to the dumbo ride, before the line got too long…and thus that is how my Mother’s day went.  I was intermittently hit with sadness and then would get on a ride and enjoy my children and forget to be sad for a few moments, and then I would feel sad again that I will never have Disney moments with that child and then my kids would complain that it was too hot and they were hungry, and I would tend their needs. And I guess that worked out pretty well, because it kept me from wallowing all day.

I got a comment from a reader that made me feel good actually.  (so rest assured it didn’t fall into the “stupid but well-intentioned” category). I got to thinking that it is ok for me to feel sad, and to love my child.  I don’t just feel guilty and sad and regretful. I also feel like I love this child, very much. I made a big mistake and a decision that cost the life of my child, but it doesn’t really stop me from feeling like I do love her.   This is the analogy I kind of came up with.  A few years ago, I remember reading a story about a new mother, who was so overtired and stressed etc., and she drove to work, forgetting that her baby was in the backseat. (She wasn’t usually the one who drove the baby to daycare) and the baby was left in the car all day, and died.  I remember feeling so heartbroken for this woman’s loss, and the pain and guilt that she was living with.  I remember thinking, “can you imagine? How do you go on after that?”  The other spouse would blame her, she would blame herself.  But I never thought, she shouldn’t go on, or that she didn’t love her child. She made a huge, tragic mistake.  Horrific and sad, and what’s scary is that is the kind of thing that really could happen to anyone, even if you think it never will., because most new moms have felt that frazzled and stressed and tired and forgetful…Anyway, the point is, I feel kind of like that woman must feel.

As a mom, I make a lot of mistakes. I hope I am doing some things right too, but I do lots of things I wish I didn’t. Like I wish I had more patience and didn’t yell at my kids in disney world, when they were fighting over the spray fan. I wish I would have just bought two spray fans.  I wish I didn’t always give so much more attention to my son, and coddle him like a baby, but then expect my daughter to act grown up, when she’s so clearly  craving that same attention.  I do lots of things wrong. I wish I didn’t let my judgment get clouded by the sickness. I wish I would have recognized the life inside of me, as being just as (if not more) important than mine…Some of the mistakes I make are more tragic, or life altering than others.

So that is how my mother’s day went.  I guess this month is going to be a lot harder than I thought.  I am spending my Tuesdays meeting with the woman I mentioned, the bible study woman, and I think that helps, to just talk it out.  (I took up two hours of her time yesterday talking-she must be a saint)

My husband has decided he is done talking about it, and has begun to ignore my crying and whining of “I miss the baby, I want to be big and pregnant.” Etc. So I do need that extra outlet.

I was going to ask him what his thoughts would be on planning something for my due date. I don’t know if I want to plan another distraction, or something more along the lines of a tribute, memorial. Or maybe I should just try to go through it like every other day.

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3 Responses to Do All Pregnant Women Hang Out in Disney World?

  1. mommyponders says:

    I think a tribute for your due date is an excellent idea. I’m sorry your Mother’s Day was wrought with feelings of guilt and regret. What you are experiencing is normal. HG is a horrible monster that impairs our judgment. Please don’t leave yourself in punishment forever. You weren’t clear-headed, and you will get through this. That child will always be a part of you and your family. Your memory of them and your efforts to honor their life will give them life.
    Kat

  2. Susan says:

    I’m glad you had plenty of distraction that day – distraction can be very helpful.

    I never realised how much the HG affected me in terms of how emotionally connected I felt to the baby until my recent HG pregnancy which I was able to contrast with the non HG pregnancy of last summer. Even having experienced it for myself I find it hard to comprehend how it can make such a huge different to my thoughts and feelings.

    I hope you can find a suitable way to mark the due date as a family.

  3. Ashli says:

    My husband too reached the point where he was just DONE talking about it. Men grieve differently. He kept it together like I could not. And our experiences were different, so that aspect was there naturally. I anticipated and feared the due date. I was not handling my new reality very well, and I worried that the due date would be larger than life, THE thing to push me finally over the precipice. But actually, my IDEA of what it would be had been much more than the reality. I can only describe the first due date as “quiet,” coming on, lingering, and disappearing in a soft, amber whisper. I wore black and lit a candle that I blew out at the end of the day. I remembered. But I do this for other members of my family who have passed from this world, so it didn’t seem terribly out of place. It was painful, yes, but it wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was me, regenerating, growing into the new normal. Eventually, I found my sea legs.

    You will too.

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