I Have Not Fallen Off the Face of the Earth

just business and busyness as usual.

I have been feeling more and more sad.  I kept thinking I’d have a baby right about now. Or an enormous pregnant belly. I stare creepily and sometimes angrily at pregnant women. I have a strange urge to want to rub their bellies and feel the life inside of them. Weird right? I do control myself though.

A good dear friend came in for a day to visit. He always just cheers me up with his spirit. We didn’t talk too much about everything, but he said something like God knows we do the best we can in the situation and facts that we have, and that we’re imperfect.  I like that. I’ve reflected on it a bit.  I think its true. I’ve changed the sentiment to just: I did the best I could given the situation and facts I knew at the time and had on hand.  I would do better in the future.  I’d like to give other the facts, so they can do better.

My daughter graduates kindergarten on my due date.  So I am going to ask for the morning off, but I might just take the day off. And we will celebrate in some way.

I can’t eat cake, but I think I might make a cake for the baby. I got one for both my kids before they were born- because I was convinced the baby spirit would feel welcomed with a cake and thus come out sooner!! And I wanted an excuse to buy an expensive cake and consume it.  This one, I think I’ll make and we’ll also eat it, for kindergarten graduation celebrations.

My husband wants to do something special on that day too. I talked to him about it, but he didn’t offer ideas.  Maybe he was just agreeing that I could do something special. I don’t know now.  I was thinking of talking to our pastors and seeing if one of them will meet us to just say a little prayer with us as a family.  Nothing major.  Then I am thinking we will light a candle and keep it on in the house and plant a flower. We got forget-me-not or sweet pea seeds at a wedding to plant in memory of the groom’s mother. I’ve been saving those.  I think we’ll plant them, and remember all our lost loved ones.

I feel like there’s something else I want to do, but I don’t really know what. I was thinking of going to the beach to meditate, instead of just in my bedroom,  but I don’t want to really lose it that day either so I don’t know…I might just get up and go to the gym and make it a sort of regular day (well special for kindergarten graduation) with a little tribute to acknowledge what that day means to me.

9 months goes by so quick when you’re not sick.  I can’t believe it really. I interviewed for my current job three times. The first time I wasn’t pregnant, the second time I was, and the third time I wasn’t. It’s almost as if I imagined the whole thing, except for this huge gaping hole in my soul.

Actually, I say that (about the job) because I have a lot of guilt around that. I was so sick, but I pulled it together to go on an interview.  And for two hours! I swallowed my spit, I bought a new suit, and I got my hair done (because I thought it would be easier than washing it myself) But really I keep thinking about that and if I could pull that off, then how could I have been as sick as I thought I was?  Maybe some of it is attitude in a way.  Not that its in your head, but if you let the fear of everything, and the negative aspects of it take over you (and that is easy to do!) then maybe it does somehow make it all the more worse.  And knocked up- Knocked over kind of mentions this effect a little, I keep wondering “how bad was it really?” Was I really that sick?  Its hard to remember, especially when you are back to feeling fine, and for me especially when I landed a job being that sick.  I do honestly know, that I don’t think I was as sick this time (yet) as I was with my son, but this time I also knew what was coming and I was a lot more terrified, and it overtook me. PTSD you say? You think, I’m starting to think so…perhaps a future post.

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6 Responses to I Have Not Fallen Off the Face of the Earth

  1. Dawn says:

    “How bad was it really?”

    It was bad. I think the opposite of PTSD is Grace. While we suffer from one, we get a generous portion ot the other.

    Congratulations to your beautiful kindergarten graduate. I hope you feast on both cake…and grace.

  2. Lynn says:

    These past few weeks have been filled with so much emotion. In essence, I realize the “countdown” has begun. Friends that were expecting, have all delivered (I had five, starting in March) – my turn was next. Mother’s Day passed. In the back of my mind, it is lingering. THE due date.

    It’s funny how the feelings of anticipation and anxiety still exist, but in such a different perspective. There is a loneliness in this experience – others don’t want to be reminded of what has become a painful reality for us.

    Be gentle with yourself. Not always easy… it certainly requires grace.

  3. Ashli says:

    I’m very opinionated (and long-winded) so please bear this in mind and try to find grace for me as I touch on a few things mentioned above.
    Imho, others don’t want to remember for various reasons. For some, quite frankly, they have been talked to and talked to about it and just need to “move on” for their own emotional survival (husbands come to mind). For others, they are angry, because they lost a family member, and they too feel the need to “move on” rather than linger in their anger and sorrow. Whether they helped to preserve the pregnancy or virtually abandoned Mom, it little matters to their grief and anger process, so for them, they may feel that the best thing to do is to “forget,” especially if they don’t have the kind of relationship or personality that allows them to express negative feelings. Another reason people “forget” is because they don’t want to cause Mom more pain, and they think that talking about the situation will most certainly do that. They don’t know how to navigate the right mixture of sympathy and discussion, because it’s child loss for one, and what does one say? Many people who lose children by any means experience this. But *most delicately,* our particular situation is out of the realm of usual human experience; we don’t normally acknowledge, love and want our children and simultaneously abort them. So others just don’t know how to wrap their heads around that–and if we’re honest, sometimes WE ourselves have a difficult time wrapping our heads around it, so it would be illogical and unfair to begrudge others their confusion and inability to deal with it. I’m sure there are more reasons, but these are some I have personally dealt with, so I know they exist.

    The end result is isolation and a sort of mass “forgetting,” out of a desire to move away from any negative emotional consequences. So Mom can end up feeling pretty freaking alone, which is part of the reason, imho, it’s so important for those of us who have been in this situation to connect. The only drawback perhaps is that there’s no objective POV, but this is a really weird situation, so I’m not sure what that affords other than statements that range from reasonable to placating (and due to human nature and the avoidance of pain I suspect a lot of the statements are placating, but I’m a real pain in the rear so there you go).

    Island, the pregnant belly thing is normal. It can go one of two ways: some grieving moms are loathe to be in the presence of pregnant women and some are obsessed with them. I was loathe, but what I found hurtful and perplexing others find healing and inspiring; we’re all different, and that’s OK.

    Now, as to your job, I see what you’re saying; your self-questioning is not irrational, however, imho, one of the things that is CRUCIAL to women going through HG is that they not take it in all at once but instead take it one minute at a time, otherwise it is TOO HUGE. That sounds far too simple for something so monumental. But yes, yes and YES, we DO know what’s coming. Maybe a little PTSD, acknowledged, but humans learn from experience, and I’m not thinking along the lines of Pavolv here as some researchers surmise–I’m thinking about touching a hot pot without an oven mitt and learning about the necessity of oven mitts. We’re human: learning via experience is what we do. Is it possible that PTSD jumped the gun? Maybe. But it’s also possible that you had learned something from experience and taking it all in at once was too much to bear on your own. That is the human element. Now, this opinion of the “human element” does not advocate abortion, it is merely a point of fact. It helps us to understand the reason and perhaps the remedy (she said with a twinkle in her eye).

    This is not a persuasive paper, so please allow me to expound without the perception that I am correcting or projecting–I’m not. This is a forum and here is my independent experience:
    I did not do my best, and that admission was devastating to me, yet in the long run, actually constructive and freeing. “I am human. On my own I will let you down,” actually afforded me a rare, ugly glimpse of myself and grace for others who share my human condition. For those in my life who did not do their best to help me and my child, it afforded forgiveness. Prior to this experience I demanded the best from myself and everyone else, and it created a lot of stress, anger, disapproval, etc. when it couldn’t be delivered. It showed me how imperfect I was on my own and forced me to deal tenderly with others who are as imperfect. It also brought to light just how Desperately (with a capital D) I needed Christ. A very painful lesson, but the best thing to come of it all. And there are many great things that have come from it.

    I’ve probably mentioned this before, but my pastor once said that the dark one takes a core of suffering and rolls it in confectioners sugar and rainbow-coloured sprinkles. If we are unaware it seems like the best option. So we take that bite, and it’s too late. On the other hand, God often takes suffering and tucks away the precious jewel deep inside. His people know this, so theirs is to obey and leave all the consequences to Him, for faith is not a Hallmark card or a fairytale. It is like a hyperemetic pregnancy: often intangible and quite, QUITE sucky until the end when it is utterly glorious.

  4. Ashli says:

    BTW, Island, you might enjoy reading 90 Minutes In Heaven by Don Piper. It’s not the Gospel, but you may find comfort in the account of a preacher who was dead for 90 minutes and who had to claw his way back to health, dealing with lots of medical treatments, uncertainty, and people who made comments but did not understand his reality. The experience became his reason for living (although, he is ready to go back to heaven any time). I found the account encouraging.

  5. A tiny bit is about attitude. You could hold your spit for a couple hours, but could you have held it for the entire day? You knew that it wouldn’t be that long that you had to look like a normal human being. It is much easier to spit than to swallow your spit and feel even more nauseated…even risk vomiting by swallowing your spit. You can stand straight for a short time, but could you stand for more than two hours without passing out? Probably not.

  6. Susan says:

    Although I didn’t choose for my pregnancy to end, I did at times wish that it would end and I sometimes wonder if it was really that bad and think to myself maybe I should have been doing more, maybe I didn’t care enough etc. etc. I’ve also found the recovery much harder this time even though it was a shorter pregnancy. I think when you have a newborn baby at the end of it, it is much easier to move on and not hyper-analyse the HG and all its effects all the time.

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