just business and busyness as usual.
I have been feeling more and more sad. I kept thinking I’d have a baby right about now. Or an enormous pregnant belly. I stare creepily and sometimes angrily at pregnant women. I have a strange urge to want to rub their bellies and feel the life inside of them. Weird right? I do control myself though.
A good dear friend came in for a day to visit. He always just cheers me up with his spirit. We didn’t talk too much about everything, but he said something like God knows we do the best we can in the situation and facts that we have, and that we’re imperfect. I like that. I’ve reflected on it a bit. I think its true. I’ve changed the sentiment to just: I did the best I could given the situation and facts I knew at the time and had on hand. I would do better in the future. I’d like to give other the facts, so they can do better.
My daughter graduates kindergarten on my due date. So I am going to ask for the morning off, but I might just take the day off. And we will celebrate in some way.
I can’t eat cake, but I think I might make a cake for the baby. I got one for both my kids before they were born- because I was convinced the baby spirit would feel welcomed with a cake and thus come out sooner!! And I wanted an excuse to buy an expensive cake and consume it. This one, I think I’ll make and we’ll also eat it, for kindergarten graduation celebrations.
My husband wants to do something special on that day too. I talked to him about it, but he didn’t offer ideas. Maybe he was just agreeing that I could do something special. I don’t know now. I was thinking of talking to our pastors and seeing if one of them will meet us to just say a little prayer with us as a family. Nothing major. Then I am thinking we will light a candle and keep it on in the house and plant a flower. We got forget-me-not or sweet pea seeds at a wedding to plant in memory of the groom’s mother. I’ve been saving those. I think we’ll plant them, and remember all our lost loved ones.
I feel like there’s something else I want to do, but I don’t really know what. I was thinking of going to the beach to meditate, instead of just in my bedroom, but I don’t want to really lose it that day either so I don’t know…I might just get up and go to the gym and make it a sort of regular day (well special for kindergarten graduation) with a little tribute to acknowledge what that day means to me.
9 months goes by so quick when you’re not sick. I can’t believe it really. I interviewed for my current job three times. The first time I wasn’t pregnant, the second time I was, and the third time I wasn’t. It’s almost as if I imagined the whole thing, except for this huge gaping hole in my soul.
Actually, I say that (about the job) because I have a lot of guilt around that. I was so sick, but I pulled it together to go on an interview. And for two hours! I swallowed my spit, I bought a new suit, and I got my hair done (because I thought it would be easier than washing it myself) But really I keep thinking about that and if I could pull that off, then how could I have been as sick as I thought I was? Maybe some of it is attitude in a way. Not that its in your head, but if you let the fear of everything, and the negative aspects of it take over you (and that is easy to do!) then maybe it does somehow make it all the more worse. And knocked up- Knocked over kind of mentions this effect a little, I keep wondering “how bad was it really?” Was I really that sick? Its hard to remember, especially when you are back to feeling fine, and for me especially when I landed a job being that sick. I do honestly know, that I don’t think I was as sick this time (yet) as I was with my son, but this time I also knew what was coming and I was a lot more terrified, and it overtook me. PTSD you say? You think, I’m starting to think so…perhaps a future post.