I haven’t written in a while here. I have noticed that as the days go by, there are a lot more moments when I feel content with my two children, and feel certain that I don’t want to get pregnant again. I try to remember how I felt before all of this happened. I read the blogs of women going through pregnancy right now, some of them HG pregnancies and some of them just fearing it might turn into an HG pregnancy and I get a tight feeling in my stomach and know that if I got pregnant, I would regret it the second I was. Which is kind of what happened last time in a way. The on sight of very sudden and real panic.
So what all this means to me at the moment is that I am not quite ready to make any decision about a future pregnancy. No more ready than I was back when all this happened. And I guess that’s ok. It’s still a day by day process. I am clearly still healing, and I am going to do my best to just sit with that, and try to allow it to be ok, that it is possible my baby making days are over, it is possible it is not. I think I think about it all WAY too much, but I have also concluded that is part of the impact of the HG and the ending of the pregnancy.
I had a strange dream last night. I had a dream that my sister asked me to watch her baby, but it was literally a baby bottle (and a toy one at that). And I kind of knew it was only a bottle, but also thought it was a baby, as did everyone else. But then I would leave the “baby” alone at the house for long periods of time. And I left it home the longest, when I was out trying to adopt a dog. And my sister kept calling me and trying to get into my house to pick up her baby and was furious that I left the baby home for so long without feeding it.
Strange huh? Any dream interpreters out there? As if it was not enough to feel crazy in my waking hours….