I know I have been MIA, and in truth I have written a few posts, but only in my head, they never made it onto paper, em computer screen. And now, I am not really all that in the mood to post. I was kind of going to tell you all about my experience doing cross-fit, which I love. And how I am seeing my body become stronger, and how that feels, when before I was hating my body and feeling so betrayed by it. And in truth it is kind of cool. I find that accomplishing new things in the gym, such as real push ups and climbing the rope, does give me a sense of appreciation for my body and I do love that. It also just gives me a goal and something to focus on. But anyway, I just don’t really feel like writing anything deep or meaningful about it anymore.
Yesterday at my work they gave me 30 days notice. Who does that!?! For 30 more days I have to sit here and try to work, knowing they are not happy with me and want me out? I guess its a good thing that I will have an income for the next 30 days and kind of come up with a plan. They said it wasn’t my fault it didn’t work out and it wasn’t there’s, and if I want to handle some of the cases on my own, they will give me those cases. M’Kay… again that makes no sense. Well we’ll blame this on the Gods then I guess. Obviously it was someone’s fault, and I’m sticking with the company’s fault.
The truth of it is, I accepted this job right after the termination. I was a mess. How I was even functioning was beyond me. So honestly, I think I actually did a damn good job considering , but they don’t really know that. And I am still a mess, I sometimes have to get up and excuse myself and I break down in tears in the bathroom. I knew this was coming. I overheard them talking about it on the phone, how horrible right? And they mentioned how I go into the bathroom for a while, and I am probably texting on my phone while in there. I wish, no sir I am crying over the incredibly short life of my child, whom I miss every second of the day.
This is one of the worst companies I have ever worked for. Everyone here is really mean, and I believe they use the legal system to bully people, which is not what I stand for. But it was a job, and it was security and it was a bit mindless at times, and I needed that. It also came at a time, when I think it would have been toxic to just sit at home, so it kept me busy. But perhaps now that I am a bit stronger, it is time to move on and force myself to find something else.
Ironically, the day before they told me all this (but after I already heard them on the phone), my old boss texted me and was feeling me out to see if I would be interested in returning there. You know, the ones who let me go because I took off for a week and a half, when I lost the baby. So if I can help it, I’d rather not go there. I would like to keep moving forward and not go back, but its a security blanket perhaps.
So that’s the update. No real introspective or illuminating writing right now, just trying to continue to survive. I have been in survival mode for so long now, its exhausting. Any HGers out there feel the same? I bet you do.