I Climbed a Rope

I know I have been MIA, and in truth I have written a few posts, but only in my head, they never made it onto paper, em computer screen. And now, I am not really all that in the mood to post.  I was kind of going to  tell you all about my experience doing cross-fit, which I love. And how I am seeing my body become stronger, and how that feels, when before I was hating my body and feeling so betrayed by it.  And in truth it is kind of cool. I find that accomplishing new things in the gym, such as real push ups and climbing the rope, does give me a sense of appreciation for my body and I do love that. It also just gives me a goal and something to focus on. But anyway, I just don’t really feel like writing anything deep or meaningful about it anymore.

Yesterday at my work they gave me 30 days notice.  Who does that!?! For 30 more days I have to sit here and try to work, knowing they are not happy with me and want me out? I guess its a good thing that I will have an income for the next 30 days and kind of come up with a plan.  They said it wasn’t my fault it didn’t work out and it wasn’t there’s, and if I want to handle some of the cases on my own, they will give me those cases. M’Kay… again that makes no sense. Well we’ll blame this on the Gods then I guess.  Obviously it was someone’s fault, and I’m sticking with the company’s fault.

The truth of it is, I accepted this job right after the termination. I was a mess. How I was even functioning was beyond me. So honestly, I think I actually did a damn good job considering , but they don’t really know that. And I am still a mess, I sometimes have to get up and excuse myself and I break down in tears in the bathroom.  I knew this was coming. I overheard them talking about it on the phone, how horrible right?  And they mentioned how I go into the bathroom for a while, and I am probably texting on my phone while in there. I wish, no sir I am crying over the incredibly short life of my child, whom I miss every second of the day.

This is one of the worst companies I have ever worked for. Everyone here is really mean, and I believe they use the legal system to bully people, which is not what I stand for. But it was a job, and it was security and it was a bit mindless at times, and I needed that. It also came at a time, when I think it would have been toxic to just sit at home, so it kept me  busy.  But perhaps now that I am a bit stronger, it is time to move on and force myself to find something else.

Ironically, the day before they told me all this (but after I already heard them on the phone), my old boss texted me and was feeling me out to see if I would be interested in returning there. You know, the ones who let me go because I took off for a week and a half, when I lost the baby.  So if I can help it, I’d rather not go there.  I would like to keep moving forward and not go back, but its a security blanket perhaps.

So that’s the update. No real introspective or illuminating writing right now, just trying to continue to survive. I have been in survival mode for so long now, its exhausting. Any HGers out there feel the same? I bet you do.

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6 Responses to I Climbed a Rope

  1. Diana says:

    Oh, wow – so sorry to hear about that. Thinking of you.

  2. I am so sorry. I think about you every day and wish that things get better for you. You have been through so much.

    I know the feeling of your body becoming stronger. It’s been a year since my last HG pregnancy, and I’m just now getting back to my previous strength. It terrifies me to think that I could ever grow so weak/short of breath/dizzy that I as before when I was pregnant. The feeling of regaining control over one’s body again is amazing. I think that you can use that to help you refocus you thoughts and energy toward something positive.

    If it makes you feel any better, I see many a nurse go in the bathroom to cry. Sometimes it is related to work stress and other times it is related to personal matters. We never say anything. In fact, sometimes it is needed in order to properly regroup. Everyone is supposed to get an hour break anyway.

  3. Kat's Mom says:

    I cried when I read this.
    The world, in general, has no concept of what grief does to a person They always think they understand, then something finally hits them that hard, and they have to hang their head in shame over what they did to other people.

    I hope you are able to find work other than the person who laid you off before. I like to believe that such moments are God kicking us out a door so we can move into a better place.

    I hope when you do leave you tell them that you heard the gossip about the bathroom, and that you want them to know that no, you were not texting, you were trying to find a way to survive through the pain. Or maybe just email them this post from your blog.

    You will be in my prayers. God bless you.

  4. Susan says:

    Wow I’m so sorry that your employers (both previous and current) have been so insensitive about your loss. I know I’m just some random internet stranger but have a virtual hug.

  5. Dawn says:

    I’m not numb to what you are saying here. I’m definitely sorry that you have been surrounded by such insensitive humans for the last year. It turns my stomach to think of it.

    But then I find myself looking forward to whatever the next step is for you. Even in weakness, you are incredibly stronger than most people I know. Pretty soon, your physical strength might even catch up to your inner strength.

  6. Ashli says:

    Forward through time.

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