From Then to Now

So, I’ve mentioned before, I started this job right after the termination of the pregnancy. About one month after. I had the first interview while I was pregnant., subsequent interviews I was not pregnancy.  (I also mentioned before how I didn’t spit for a whole two hours- or throw up during the first interview? more on my theories on that later).

My job is coming to an end this week.  I have never really liked this job, and I can’t pinpoint why.  I make decent money, and its not very hard, I don’t have to go to Court, the hours are reasonable (the people are not very nice), but I just never felt right here. I think I can guess why. When I started this job, I was majorly fucked up. Did I just curse? Yes I did, it is my blog after all, and I tend to use the F word a whole lot- just keeping it real (although I am trying to break the bad habit- sort of- half assing it anyway). So back to the point, I was all types of crazy, and yet still functioning. Basic things, I forced myself out of bed, I mostly brushed my teeth, I drove to work. Anything beyond that, is just sort of icing on the cake, although I don’t think my employer really would agree with that. But basically, I am proud of the job I did here considering the difficulty of working with the management here, their total lack of organization, manners (insert sexual harassment issues here) and my general crazy-ness that is just part of me and that was a direct result of loosing the baby.

I needed this job. It was my life line for a while.  It kept me moving forward.  I think it was sent to me because it was needed at the time, it is now being taken away from me because it is time to move on. It was never meant to be a permanent stomping ground. But I would have kept it because I was complacent, because I didn’t want to change, I didn’t want to devote energy to finding something else.  So the universe knows it has to be taken away from me in order for me to keep moving forward.

I don’t really need an excuse to get out of bed in the morning.  I can do it on my own. Its not always pleasant and truth be told getting back into bed at night and crying myself to sleep, well that has become a sad, but comforting routine, I’m not ready to give that up yet.

So soon, I am coming up to the anniversary of the termination.  It is around this time that I found out I was pregnant, I can recall the terror and fear that came over me. I feel a little bit of terror and fear with all the uncertainty that is going on right now. ie will I have money to pay for my daughter’s school? Food, health insurance, etc?  This seems to be a reoccurring pattern, the season/month that my life starts taking different twists. Maybe the moon is in Jupiter or something like that.

But still I look back to a year ago, around the time of the termination, around the time I started this job, and see that that chapter is coming to a close. Literally, figuratively, all of it.  In a lot of ways it has felt like time has stood still, with the pain being so fresh and raw sometimes, but really objectively speaking I have come so very far.

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One Response to From Then to Now

  1. S.M. says:

    When I came upon the one year anniversary of my loss / ab. ( last March), it was like a chapter closing too. In fact, coinciding with the exact date, I became mysteriously ill for a week. It was similar to mild HG symptoms ( still horrible and hard to function for a week ). I was not pregnant. It was like a strange, body memory flashback. A clearing, so to speak. After that, and for the rest of this year, it’s like a part of me has healed and been somewhat reborn to an “almost” normal life. So I just want to share that I resonate with what you are saying. Time does help the horrible HG fallout.

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