I’m not entirely sure why the title of this post feels right to me today, but it does. I don’t know what battle I’m referring to specifically.
I think I must be PMS-ing right now. In fact about 50 pregnancy tests have confirmed that that is what must be going on. Because clearly I am not pregnant. Thank goodness for the dollar store because i would go bankrupt if I bought these many tests at the drug store.
I was absolutely sure that I am happy with just two children and I don’t want another right now, I even voiced these sentiments out loud, to my husband. I felt really good about it, really confident. I am happy, I don’t want anything to change. My two, are a LOT of work. And my son is just starting to get to a place where life with him is manageable, and we can take him out and its even enjoyable, (even though he still gives us a run for our money).
Then this month, I had a week where I was convinced I was pregnant and I was terrified, not just of HG but of having another child (the HG plays a big role in it).
However, instead of feeling relief, I cursed every single test that said negative. And I cursed the dollar store for obviously making crappy and wrong tests. And I cursed the people that are getting pregnant, And then for good measure I cursed myself, because I thought I was done fighting this battle.
…But I guess, I am not. It still rages on in my heart. And today I feel restless and angry and disappointed, and I’m not entirely sure why.