I’m going to share with you all something else that has been on my heart for a while and I have been quiet here for so long, because I have been exploring it, seeing if it is really there and true and something that I want to write in black and white. I don’t want to seem too flighty, one minute I say this, one minute I say that, though I think that is typical of someone recovering from a trauma or filled with grief.
After the termination, my bar fees were due. Lawyers are encouraged to do pro bono work, it’s not required. Every year when my fees are due, they ask you to sign up for things or report what you’ve done. Well I did nothing that year and that felt wrong. Why wasn’t I doing more? I had experienced love and charity and caring from others, it was a wake up call that I should also be giving that, and because of the circumstance I was in, I felt compelled to check the box next to child advocate.
Its been a strange journey becoming an Attorney ad Litum. I am the only idiot blubbering during training. It’s a hard field to be in, but I was crying because during training, I was sitting there and thinking, I am meant to be here. It felt right, and scary and exhausting. I have always thought about doing work like that, and here I was finally was doing it.
Then I got my first case, and I’m still on it. And the little baby I represent, is just beautiful. And I love her, and want to do right by her. I hope her Mom gets her act together, and if she doesn’t, I hope this little girl finds a beautiful and safe and loving home. And I am grateful that she has finally found a good temporary foster situation.
And well, I was thinking, we have a beautiful and loving and safe home…
and deep in my heart I know that I am called to this. And my husband who was against having more children, well, he too feels called to this too. And the pieces are just coming together and feel right.
We are going to foster a child. We are in the stages of becoming foster parents. Its a long and ardent process, as it is state-run, and I don’t know if you have ever dealt with the inefficiency of state/government agencies…
This fits for us. We had feelings about adoption through an agency that we couldn’t reconcile, I always wish my children were closer in age, I am to nervous to get pregnant again… The list goes on, and on. This fits for us. We hope eventually we will find a foster child that will become permanent. We are also ok with nurturing a child, while their family life becomes more stable.
We know this is not for weak people, this is going to be a long, emotional journey, with a lot of heartbreak along the way.
The good news is, we are not strangers to heartbreak. I have been on this path for a long while, before the termination, and because of the termination, and we really feel like all the broken roads have brought us to this point and this decision.
And there it is, out of my heart, and on paper, in black and white.