I Might Have Some News

we’ll see in a week or so, I’ll keep you updated.

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Sometimes the Wrong Choices Bring Us to the Right Places

I like where i’m at. I like what I am learning to become.  I like my job. I actually like some of the changes that have gone on in my life, as a direct cause of all that has happened, with the HG and the termination.

I don’t like the constant backdrop of sadness and pain. I ldon’t like missing my child at christmas time, and thinking about how she would have been 7 months and we would be hanging another baby’s first chirstmas ornament up. I mostly don’t like that I don’t get to hold my baby every single day.

But there is a lot to be thankful for. There is joy this season.  It comes in waves, just as the sadness. Which when you think about it, is apropos for the story of the Birth and the holidays.

I leave you with this link: “40 ways to entertain your child, while lying down.” Although I imagine if a woman truly has HG, she is not going to play that butt game listed on there 🙂 she is going to rely on a whole lot of movies, and maybe even youtube. (what you guys don’t give your 3 year old free reign of youtube? huh… Maybe I’ll have to rethink my parenting plan…)


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You Might be Wondering Where I’ve Been

kids, gotta love em. My son manage to take out the LCD screen on our brand new lap top.  So we are sans computer at our home right now. He almost managed to take out the LCD screen and the digital camera in one shot, but our digital camera is resilent.

My friend had her baby.  I’m so excited for her. I can’t wait to see him and hold him, but I am also terrified of it. I have yet to hold an infant since all this. So I am hoping that I can just embrace him with only love and a tiny bit of jealousy and no sadness. That’s my goal. I also have yet to purchase her a present because I can’t stand the idea of going into Babies R. Us.  From the look of her registry so was gifted with like everything anyway. This woman’s friends hooked her up. I have to start hanging where she hangs, and find these people to be my friends- I mean she has like half of Babies R Us in her home.

I am thinking of making a diaper cake. I can get the essentials at CVS or Target or some other store where baby stuff is not so in your face, and doesn’t create feelings of longing and sadness and meanness projected toward my husband who still won’t budge! Doesn’t he know my eggs are getting older!! like next week they will be 29.

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Recipe Preperation

Hello all, I’ve been gone for a while. Life is just going on.  I liked my new job a lot, then they fired the managing attorney, and now its a bit chaotic, and I don’t really like it as much.  But it has given me a chance to show the higher ups what I know and what I can do, and I think they’ve been impressed, and most importantly work although there’s a lot of it, isn’t too stressful and I don’t mind it. Its a whole lot better than the job I was in last year.  I don’t know how I managed the last place, given my fragile state of affairs as well.  It was really compounding the misery.

I started back  on the diet, but I’m not going to kid myself, because Halloween is around the corner, and I know myself too well, and I don’t have immediate motivation to stay on it, because it doesn’t seem like there’s a baby plan in the near future. (If anyone has any tips on how to convince my husband that 1. we need a baby and 2. he should take care of everyone while I’ll lie in bed for 9 months- let me know).

I added a website to my prep binder, for the future, and i also pinned it. I have a little HG section on pinterest, so all the info I gather is accessible. I also have it in a binder, because when I have HG I can not look at a computer screen or I will vomit uncontrollably! If you don’t know about pinterest yet, check it out. Its kind of fun, it kind of also makes you jealous of other peoples time to craft and design and bake….but mostly its fun.

So without further ado (FOODMENT) here is the link to make some frozen dinners. They are probably not all that healthy, but considering in my first HG pregnancy my child lived off of frozen chicken nuggets and boxed drinks, this is probably better. I plan to do this right after Christmas, and deep freeze it, so that even if there are no plans to get pregnant, if it by chance happens (like it did last time) then I will be a little more ready. If anyone is further interested I have a few other websites that link up to once a month cooking ideas (you can also google).


Oh and I am also linking to this, because its frickin’ awesome and will blow your mind, and I’m pretty sure it is going to change my life (well my baking life anyway) and I wish I would have found it years ago! you’re welcome.


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One Year Ago

I hope to not always mark this day, but I somehow think I will.

One year ago today, I made a horrible decision. I forever changed my life and the life of the people around me.

Of course, I wasn’t thinking clearly then, but I am now, and I’m beyond sad and beyond regretful. I hope nobody chooses this path. It sucks. Its a much harder path than HG. I can say and preach that because I affirmatively know that.

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The Trip I Was Suppose to Take a Year Ago

We just got back from visiting my friend and sister and her new baby (although new is used lightly because we were there for his first birthday).  Maybe you remember it was the trip I cancelled and could have no way gone on last year.  It was bitter sweet to be taking the trip the same time as I was suppose to, and it brought me down HG and termination memory lane, but it was also fun too. Exhausting as we covered a lot of ground in a week.  My sister’s children are beautiful. Her baby looks just like her, and he looks just like an angel.  He wanted to be on my sister’s him all the time, so I didn’t get to cuddle him as much as I would have liked, and it only made my longing for a baby of my own stronger. One year old babies are just perfect. They are rolly and pudgy and smiley and past the newborn stage, which although cute, is a lot of darn work! I am still waiting for someone to just hand me one.

But the trip down HG memory lane, did put me in check too, so you know, there won’t be any newborns around here for a while. Especially if my husband has his way, but that’s a post for another time.

We enjoyed or visit. It is good to keep busy during these times.  We celebrated my HG babies third birthday, in his hometown of Cambridge, MA.  We took him to the Harvard Museum right where we use to live. They have dinosaur bones, my boy is obsessed with dinosaurs. Its like the only word he says all day long, from the second he wakes up to the moment he is sleeping, and sometimes in his sleep-OBSESSED.  Have I mentioned I have an obssessive personality too?

Anyway we were right by his birth center, no one else was up for a reenactment of his birth and our trip to the center, but I did it in my head all day 😉 ( I sadly thought about the HG I endured with him all day too) You have to take the bitter with the sweet sometimes I guess.  But when I look at him on his birthday, the sense of accomplishment I feel is huge.  That I endured all I did, that I was strong, that I didn’t give in to my thoughts of ending that pregnancy, and here he is: alive, breathing, asking me to dance and loving dinosaurs.

I am coming up to a year when I terminated the last pregnancy. October 13th. I won’t soon forget the date.

As for my job. I have choosen to follow my gut feeling. I kept trying to talk myself out of my gut feeling because it didn’t seem to make sense, it still doesn’t. I still flip flop in my head and say, well what if… But in the past I have gotten in trouble doing that.  I am staying at the job I’m currently at. I am not going to take the other position that promises more money, and more power. I might be crazy.  And worse, they think I am starting tomorrow and I havn’t told them I’m not yet. I think thats one of the biggest bridge burning things I’ve ever done.  But I seem to like where I am right now, and I havn’t liked a job in a long time. The medical insurance is better and they seem like they will be open to flex time, two considerations that are important to me if I ever want to have a possible HG pregnancy.

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The New Job and Planning for the Future

So, I mentioned I want to have a baby soon (ish).  There are a few obstacles to this of course, one and the most major is that my husband is not really on board.  The second and equally large, is I question if this is my true want or an ache I am trying to fill, the third is that I am the bread-winner and can’t be out of work (ie when is there a good time for an HG pregnancy), etc. etc. etc.

Anyway, I got a new job, I left my old job on Friday and started the new one on Tuesday (Monday was labor day). I have been blessed that usually when one job ends I find another fairly quickly.  It is an area of law I am familiar with, but not in love with.  My real love is criminal law, but I can’t find a way to make it pay the bills right now. I am trying to help my husband’s buisness grow so that eventually that will pay the bills, but it is slow coming. My thought was also that if my husbands business makes money, then I can take a little time off of work and be holed up in bed, pregnant.

Well I got a call from one of the jobs I interviewed with and I really liked the Woman I met with, but they had made me a very low offer and I turned it down. They called again and the woman I met with is gone, and they need someone to come in and eventually fill her role, but they want to see what I can do first. So the offer is higher than their first offer, but about 8K lower than the job I’m currently at. The upside is, there is the potential for growth, and its a lot closer to my home. I am really torn about what to do. And I think part of my reservation is the baby thing.  The company  I am at now, has great medical insurance. a $500 deductible! No emergency room copays, and they are established, they probably will give me the time off I need for short-term disability and I think that would be ok. The other job is a smaller office, the insurance is not as good, a 2k deductible and they would probably let me go if I get pregnant and sick and can’t work.  So it makes me think I shouldn’t go there, but I don’t have immediate plans to have a baby either so, I can’t figure out why I am letting it affect my decision so greatly. The truth is, I am usually so sick and for so long, that short-term disability isn’t really enough time, and I will probably end up loosing my job anyway. I would also want to stay home with the baby for a while too and the line of work I am in, well they frown upon you taking your one week vacation, so you can imagine…

I was lucky that both times before even though I had near no money, job etc, I was able to work it out so that I stayed home with both babies until they were 9 months old, then I returned part-time to work.  I dont’ think our situation this time around would allow it, but it would be nice to dream and scheme and maybe come up with a way, a bridge I’ll cross if/when I get to it.

My thought process is that one of the jobs has more potential for growth. The salary difference comes out to about $100 less a week, which isn’t a huge difference, I’m sure we can make that work.  But to eventaully make that back would require me to work there at least a year, and if I want to have a baby, then I will need to put that plan on hold for another year at least.  But then I can potentially make more money, and I can start a fund to save to have an HG pregnancy, or maybe an adoption or whatever, a nest egg never hurts. The potential new job is right around the corner from my kid’s school,  seriously I could walk there, which I do love.  It just seems counterintuitive to take a job for less money in this economy though. And even if they give me a 10k raise in three months, it will take six months before I make up the difference of what I could have made at the job I’m at now, and unless I am really planning to stay longer-term then I’m not sure if it makes sense.

One minute I am convinced I should go, the next I think I should stay where I am at, i have this total inability to make any decisions lately, which is why I have just put off making decision, and I wonder if that is party of my reservation with taking a leap into the unknown. And I think this idea of maybe having a baby, and trying to plan for an HG pregnancy influences me so much. I mean imagine if I didn’t have to think about any of this, and I could just have a normal pregnancy and even work through it…le sigh.

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