Kate Middelton and Hyperemsis, or as the Media is Calling it “Acute Morning Sickness”

I was really excited and really sad to see the breaking news story yesterday about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy.

I mean, knowing anyone is suffering with it is horrible, but could this possibly bring some light to the issue, maybe even some funds for research? That would be a good thing.

I was discouraged reading media reports referring to HG as Morning Sickness and I was even more discouraged reading comments from people, which most involved things like “suck it up Princess.”  Hyperemesis, is not morning sickness! It is actually an illness.

It is horrible to say to a woman or anyone “suck it up”, just as you wouldn’t say that to someone going through any other illness. It’s heartbreaking how women, and especially pregnant women are treated and cast aside and their medical needs dismissed.

Don’t people see this as a HUGE social problem?!?! Is it just ignorance, this violence that is perpetuated on women (specifically pregnant women), by society, the medical community and even our very own sisterhood?

So much for compassion, I guess.
There is comfort in that, even if reading doesn’t make her sick, I’m sure she has better things to do with her time than read ignorant comments.  This woman is fighting for her life and her baby’s life, and some people have the nerve to say “welcome to pregnancy” or worse things that I wouldn’t even bother repeating. Really? In what world are we expecting that pregnancy should be synonymous with suffering.  (ahem sounds a little like a man’s world to me). Also, I’m sure she is receiving really good care and her concerns are being validated and addressed.

But maybe now, other women will get to benefit from that same treatment as the world is hopefully becoming educated on the issue. Fingers crossed, and fingers crossed for the Princess that this passes quick, and her and her baby are healthy and get the right care they need.

Has it Been 5 months Since I Last Posted?

I have “penned” many updates in my head to this blog, but I never got so far as to actually update.  Life is going on.  I have a few ups and quite a few downs, unrelated to babies or pregnancy  just work, school, home life stuff, etc.

I still think about my baby everyday, or at least I think I do.  Some days, I wonder if I thought about her yesterday, and I can’t remember, so there actually might be some days where I don’t think about all that transpired, does that make sense?

My littlest just had his birthday, and it was around his birthday that I first found out I was pregnant, so that brings up some memories for me.  And we are heading into the month of my termination. It has been two years, which boggles my mind.

I actually can’t believe some times, that it has been two years and the pain can still be so fresh, and then other times I can’t believe how much has transpired in those two years, and what a lifetime ago it all seems, and how much progress I have made.  I really went from a heap of mess, to actually being able to sort of function, and smile and even enjoy life.

Of course, I look at my kids and a huge pang of sadness will overwhelm me, and I will have to catch my breath, but I can and I do…and you will too.

On My Heart

I’m going to share with you all something else that has been on my heart for a while and I have been quiet here for so long, because I have been exploring it, seeing if it is really there and true and something that I want to write in black and white. I don’t want to seem too flighty, one minute I say this, one minute I say that, though I think that is typical of someone recovering from a trauma or filled with grief.

After the termination, my bar fees were due.  Lawyers are encouraged to do pro bono work, it’s not required.  Every year when my fees are due, they ask you to sign up for things or report what you’ve done. Well I did nothing that year and that felt wrong.  Why wasn’t I doing more?  I had experienced love and charity and caring from others, it was a wake up call that I should also be giving that, and because of the circumstance I was in, I felt compelled to check the box next to child advocate.

Its been a strange journey becoming an Attorney ad Litum.  I am the only idiot blubbering during training.  It’s a hard field to be in, but I was crying because during training, I was sitting there and thinking, I am meant to be here. It felt right, and scary and exhausting. I have always thought about doing work like that, and here I was finally was doing it.

Then I got my first case, and I’m still  on it. And the little baby I represent, is just beautiful. And I love her, and want to do right by her. I hope her Mom gets her act together, and if she doesn’t, I hope this little girl finds a beautiful and safe and loving home.  And I am grateful that she has finally found a good temporary foster situation.

And well, I was thinking, we have a beautiful and loving and safe home…

and deep in my heart I know that I am called to this.  And my husband who was against having more children, well, he too feels called to this too. And the pieces are just coming together and feel right.

We are going to foster a child. We are in the stages of becoming foster parents. Its a long and ardent process, as it is state-run, and I don’t know if you have ever dealt with the inefficiency of state/government agencies…

This fits for us.  We had feelings about adoption through an agency that we couldn’t reconcile, I always wish my children were closer in age, I am to nervous to get pregnant again… The list goes on, and on.  This fits for us. We hope eventually we will find a foster child that will become permanent.  We are also ok with nurturing a child, while their family life becomes more stable.

We know this is not for weak people, this is going to be a long, emotional journey, with a lot of heartbreak along the way.

The good news is, we are not  strangers to heartbreak.  I have been on this path for a long while, before the termination, and because of the termination, and we really feel like all the broken roads have brought us to this point and this decision.

And there it is, out of my heart, and on paper, in black and white.

Sometimes You Have to Fight that Battle More than Once to Win It.

I’m not entirely sure why the title of this post feels right to me today, but it does. I don’t know what battle I’m referring to specifically.

I think I must be PMS-ing right now. In fact about 50 pregnancy tests have confirmed that that is what must be going on. Because clearly I am not pregnant.  Thank goodness for the dollar store because i would go bankrupt if I bought these many tests at the drug store.

I was absolutely sure that I am happy with just two children and I don’t want another right now, I even voiced these sentiments out loud, to my husband. I felt really good about it, really confident. I am happy, I don’t want anything to change. My two, are a LOT of work. And my son is just starting to get to a place where life with him is manageable, and we can take him out and its even enjoyable,  (even though he still gives us a run for our money).

Then this month, I had a week where I was convinced I was pregnant and I was terrified, not just of HG but of having another child (the HG plays a big role in it).

However, instead of feeling relief,  I cursed every single test that said negative. And I cursed the dollar store for obviously making crappy and wrong tests. And I cursed the people that are getting pregnant, And then for good measure I cursed myself, because I thought I was done fighting this battle.

…But I guess, I am not. It still rages on in my heart. And today I feel restless and angry and disappointed, and I’m not entirely sure why.

Public Forums

I read this article. I loved it.

http://www.xojane.com/issues/why-i-talk-about-rape

 

It doesn’t have to do wtih HG. It has to do with speaking your mind, discussing uncomfortable issues, making it personal. The author is speaking specifically about Rape.

I am an open book. I will discuss anything at anytime with anyone.  Once upon a time it was  in regards to Sexual Assault. These days I speak more about the termination. Sometimes, depending on my audience, I refer to it as “when I lost the baby” but mostly I say, when “I terminated my pregnancy.” It shocks people to hear it. That’s ok. It’s suppose to. Because we are made to think that its a private decision, you shouldn’t feel bad about it, but then again, don’t talk about it either…

Well I did it, I felt horrible, I still feel horrible, it was the worse possible decision I have ever made in my whole life. I think I was led all my life to believe it was a viable alternative, and I would just feel fine about it after. But I don’t and if everyone did, wouldn’t they  discuss is more? Or maybe it is something that makes people uncomfortable for a reason, just like speaking about rape. Its wrong, its unpleasant, its better left unsaid.

But the thing is, it’s not better left unsaid. 

 None of it. ask me about either experience, I’ll even unpolitically correct tell you which one hurt worse, and which was harder to survive.

Oh Well.

I really thought I was pregant. I was even throwing up, although I didn’t feel nasuaous all the time, but I would have to seriously run to the bathroom and throw up.  We only tried once, and I know the timing was off, but that has never made a difference in the past. But I am not pregnant. I’m just sleepy and vomitty I guess. I was sad and relieved all at the same time. Oh well.  We probably won’t try this month, but maybe I’ll get all dreamy and forget what vomitting feels like by February and maybe I’ll be able to convince the hubby to try one more time.

 

Update: remember that “butt game” I told you guys no one would want to play with their kids, but i posted the link anyway, well I had a headache and I played it with the kids, while I laid down and they loved it, I have never seem them so excited, I swear. So maybe it is a good HG game to keep in mind.

I Might Have Some News

we’ll see in a week or so, I’ll keep you updated.