It All Happened Again

Well, it’s been two years since I updated this blog. And I have wanted to update so many times, so that I can show anyone out there reading, that there is hope. You can get back to joy. Real true joy, whatever the ultimate outcome of your pregnancy is. But at the very current moment it is going to be hard for me to write about that. Because right now my boat is adrift at sea, disconnected from that part of my soul; but I did think what better way to see if it drifts back into port than by writing and getting it all out. My catharsis.

I will give you a little update: I stopped updating the blog for very good reason. I was extremely busy.  We did actually go on to become foster parents as I posted, when we were looking into it.  Fostering is definitely a journey, and luckily I would say overall we had a very good experience with it, with very few heartbreaks.  But it does take strength to walk that road- if you are considering it.  We have adopted two beautiful babies, and perhaps I will spend time writing all about that one day soon. About the journey, about the love, about how society views it, and yes, about how it is different than creating biological children, and how even though you can be so over the moon in love with your adopted child, you still mourn the loss of certain expectations and dreams. But that story will flow when it flows. Today I write what the title suggests, about my third experience with HG, my fourth pregnancy.

As I already stated I adopted two beautiful babies. And as you recall I have two biological children. With 4 children (really 5 because we do have a foster son), my house is full and my family felt complete. So, we were shocked/dismayed/excited (insert any and every adjective in the book) to learn that I was indeed pregnant again.  After lots of tears and quite a few choice curse words, I began diving into the world of Hypermesis Gravardium again.  I dug out my books, I dug out the binder I created five years ago. I ordered every tea, tincture and morning sickness cure I could possibly think of. I made early doctor appointments, filled prescriptions, reached out to friends and family for help (talk about learning who is really there for you), came up with a plan with my husband and I settled in for the ride.

And it was a fast and furious ride. And we did everything right this time. We were PREPARED, we were DETERMINED,  we were HOPEFUL, and we were SCARED AS HELL.

The hyperemesis hit at 5 weeks. I had multiple bags of fluid and an overnight hospital stay.  The zofran they gave me worked for a few hours, and I thought, I am going to get through this pregnancy, I am going to have another baby! But then as quickly as the zofran worked it stopped.  I had a great OB and midwives this time and so many supportive people around me. I am not going into all the medical crises that I experienced this time, though suffice it to say it was very similar (and just as severe) to the last two pregnancies prior. This really is a debilitating condition that I believe to be very dangerous to the mother, it lots of ways not just physically, (though the medical profession and media tends to downplay it). My health care practitioners started the arrangements for a PICC line, and a zofran pump and heart monitors and  eventually steroid treatment, and I started in my head to make arrangements to get out of this hell again.

And that’s what I did. Yes, again. Even after I swore I would never make that choice again. I read my own blog and reminded myself of the pain I felt, and I pep talked myself into continuing on and I really tried. I gave it my all, and my husband gave it his all. But as a testament to how strong and horrible HG is, we still decided that I could not continue on with the pregnancy.

And this time, I will testify that I have not dropped into the dark hole that I fell into last time. I am now one month out from my D & C procedure, and there is so much that I have learned about myself and my husband and my family. I am very sad, but it comes in waves this time, I am not drowning like last time.  I let the waves wash over me, I feel the sad and I remind myself that it will retreat, and it does.

I recognize, because of this experience, that last time, I made the right choice for me. I always doubted my decision, that I was rushed into terminating, that I panicked and that perhaps the sickness wasn’t that bad…but it was! This pregnancy reminded me that it really truly is that horrendous. And there was always a part of me that wondered  about getting pregnant again (perhaps HG would hit again) but it did and it seems that it will every time, and in fact it actually seems to be getting worse with each pregnancy. And can I tell you, that I was in the best shape of my life, and the healthiest I have ever been? After the last pregnancy five years ago I vowed to get my body healthy, in hopes of staving off the HG, and I poured a whole ton of effort and energy into that, to cope, to have a goal, to have hope. But I am certain now that HG has nothing to do with diet and your health prior to conceiving.

I am reconciling now that there are all types of pregnancy and infant loss. I am letting go (or trying to) of the guilt.  The position that I am in when pregnant, forces me to make a heartbreaking choice, and no one has to understand or accept it, except me and my husband.  Ultimately, I made the choice for the family that I have here, already earth-side, I believe it was a choice of selflessness, though I certainly understand those that think it selfish, and maybe it is even a little of both. All of this just isn’t black and white.  But, regardless, it is my experience and if you have never experienced HG (as a pregnant woman- then trust me your opinion will always be limited by not having all the facts) and I still mourn for the little soul that won’t be in my arms, and I mourn the loss of dreams that my husband and I had, I am working on the acceptance stage.  If someone can’t understand the true loss I feel, then they are lacking the very thing that makes us human: compassion, that is their issue they need to work on- not mine, so I am also working on not taking other’s shortcomings personal.

I am grateful that I had the right to make a very personal decision for myself. I did not take it lightly, and it isn’t a matter of not being strong enough to continue the pregnancy. I do have to remind myself of that. My husband reminds me constantly and tells me that I am the strongest woman he knows, and I think one day I will go back to believing it.  I can recognize that my story unfolded as it did five years ago, exactly as it had to in order to lead me to the children I have now, and there is a strange beauty and peace in that.  In my most saddest moments, I remind myself that this too will eventually lead me down a path of joy again, and that I will only be able to see that in hindsight, so I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

My experience this time around as you can tell by comparing my first post to this,my last post ( I think), has been different and in some ways the same. The heartbreak is the same, the sadness is the same, the loss, the frustration, the mourning, but there isn’t shame or guilt this time. And there is more acceptance, awareness and self-respect.  It doesn’t really fit into a box, and your experience doesn’t have to either.

And lastly , a political thought, or a human rights thought, if you will.  This is a time where debates are raging over our health and reproductive rights, and women’s bodies are on the front-line of this Constitutional war. I believe, as they say, that the personal is  always political and the truth is a highly valued and carefully controlled commodity, in our society; This has become part of my motivation to share and offer my personal/political truth and experience with pregnancy,  Hyperemesis and abortion. I like to think that when people speak the truth to each other that things can change and people can come to each other (and the collective experience we are having) with compassion, sympathy, support, understanding, respect and most importantly love.

Kate Middelton and Hyperemsis, or as the Media is Calling it “Acute Morning Sickness”

I was really excited and really sad to see the breaking news story yesterday about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy.

I mean, knowing anyone is suffering with it is horrible, but could this possibly bring some light to the issue, maybe even some funds for research? That would be a good thing.

I was discouraged reading media reports referring to HG as Morning Sickness and I was even more discouraged reading comments from people, which most involved things like “suck it up Princess.”  Hyperemesis, is not morning sickness! It is actually an illness.

It is horrible to say to a woman or anyone “suck it up”, just as you wouldn’t say that to someone going through any other illness. It’s heartbreaking how women, and especially pregnant women are treated and cast aside and their medical needs dismissed.

Don’t people see this as a HUGE social problem?!?! Is it just ignorance, this violence that is perpetuated on women (specifically pregnant women), by society, the medical community and even our very own sisterhood?

So much for compassion, I guess.
There is comfort in that, even if reading doesn’t make her sick, I’m sure she has better things to do with her time than read ignorant comments.  This woman is fighting for her life and her baby’s life, and some people have the nerve to say “welcome to pregnancy” or worse things that I wouldn’t even bother repeating. Really? In what world are we expecting that pregnancy should be synonymous with suffering.  (ahem sounds a little like a man’s world to me). Also, I’m sure she is receiving really good care and her concerns are being validated and addressed.

But maybe now, other women will get to benefit from that same treatment as the world is hopefully becoming educated on the issue. Fingers crossed, and fingers crossed for the Princess that this passes quick, and her and her baby are healthy and get the right care they need.

Has it Been 5 months Since I Last Posted?

I have “penned” many updates in my head to this blog, but I never got so far as to actually update.  Life is going on.  I have a few ups and quite a few downs, unrelated to babies or pregnancy  just work, school, home life stuff, etc.

I still think about my baby everyday, or at least I think I do.  Some days, I wonder if I thought about her yesterday, and I can’t remember, so there actually might be some days where I don’t think about all that transpired, does that make sense?

My littlest just had his birthday, and it was around his birthday that I first found out I was pregnant, so that brings up some memories for me.  And we are heading into the month of my termination. It has been two years, which boggles my mind.

I actually can’t believe some times, that it has been two years and the pain can still be so fresh, and then other times I can’t believe how much has transpired in those two years, and what a lifetime ago it all seems, and how much progress I have made.  I really went from a heap of mess, to actually being able to sort of function, and smile and even enjoy life.

Of course, I look at my kids and a huge pang of sadness will overwhelm me, and I will have to catch my breath, but I can and I do…and you will too.

On My Heart

I’m going to share with you all something else that has been on my heart for a while and I have been quiet here for so long, because I have been exploring it, seeing if it is really there and true and something that I want to write in black and white. I don’t want to seem too flighty, one minute I say this, one minute I say that, though I think that is typical of someone recovering from a trauma or filled with grief.

After the termination, my bar fees were due.  Lawyers are encouraged to do pro bono work, it’s not required.  Every year when my fees are due, they ask you to sign up for things or report what you’ve done. Well I did nothing that year and that felt wrong.  Why wasn’t I doing more?  I had experienced love and charity and caring from others, it was a wake up call that I should also be giving that, and because of the circumstance I was in, I felt compelled to check the box next to child advocate.

Its been a strange journey becoming an Attorney ad Litum.  I am the only idiot blubbering during training.  It’s a hard field to be in, but I was crying because during training, I was sitting there and thinking, I am meant to be here. It felt right, and scary and exhausting. I have always thought about doing work like that, and here I was finally was doing it.

Then I got my first case, and I’m still  on it. And the little baby I represent, is just beautiful. And I love her, and want to do right by her. I hope her Mom gets her act together, and if she doesn’t, I hope this little girl finds a beautiful and safe and loving home.  And I am grateful that she has finally found a good temporary foster situation.

And well, I was thinking, we have a beautiful and loving and safe home…

and deep in my heart I know that I am called to this.  And my husband who was against having more children, well, he too feels called to this too. And the pieces are just coming together and feel right.

We are going to foster a child. We are in the stages of becoming foster parents. Its a long and ardent process, as it is state-run, and I don’t know if you have ever dealt with the inefficiency of state/government agencies…

This fits for us.  We had feelings about adoption through an agency that we couldn’t reconcile, I always wish my children were closer in age, I am to nervous to get pregnant again… The list goes on, and on.  This fits for us. We hope eventually we will find a foster child that will become permanent.  We are also ok with nurturing a child, while their family life becomes more stable.

We know this is not for weak people, this is going to be a long, emotional journey, with a lot of heartbreak along the way.

The good news is, we are not  strangers to heartbreak.  I have been on this path for a long while, before the termination, and because of the termination, and we really feel like all the broken roads have brought us to this point and this decision.

And there it is, out of my heart, and on paper, in black and white.

Sometimes You Have to Fight that Battle More than Once to Win It.

I’m not entirely sure why the title of this post feels right to me today, but it does. I don’t know what battle I’m referring to specifically.

I think I must be PMS-ing right now. In fact about 50 pregnancy tests have confirmed that that is what must be going on. Because clearly I am not pregnant.  Thank goodness for the dollar store because i would go bankrupt if I bought these many tests at the drug store.

I was absolutely sure that I am happy with just two children and I don’t want another right now, I even voiced these sentiments out loud, to my husband. I felt really good about it, really confident. I am happy, I don’t want anything to change. My two, are a LOT of work. And my son is just starting to get to a place where life with him is manageable, and we can take him out and its even enjoyable,  (even though he still gives us a run for our money).

Then this month, I had a week where I was convinced I was pregnant and I was terrified, not just of HG but of having another child (the HG plays a big role in it).

However, instead of feeling relief,  I cursed every single test that said negative. And I cursed the dollar store for obviously making crappy and wrong tests. And I cursed the people that are getting pregnant, And then for good measure I cursed myself, because I thought I was done fighting this battle.

…But I guess, I am not. It still rages on in my heart. And today I feel restless and angry and disappointed, and I’m not entirely sure why.

Public Forums

I read this article. I loved it.

http://www.xojane.com/issues/why-i-talk-about-rape

 

It doesn’t have to do wtih HG. It has to do with speaking your mind, discussing uncomfortable issues, making it personal. The author is speaking specifically about Rape.

I am an open book. I will discuss anything at anytime with anyone.  Once upon a time it was  in regards to Sexual Assault. These days I speak more about the termination. Sometimes, depending on my audience, I refer to it as “when I lost the baby” but mostly I say, when “I terminated my pregnancy.” It shocks people to hear it. That’s ok. It’s suppose to. Because we are made to think that its a private decision, you shouldn’t feel bad about it, but then again, don’t talk about it either…

Well I did it, I felt horrible, I still feel horrible, it was the worse possible decision I have ever made in my whole life. I think I was led all my life to believe it was a viable alternative, and I would just feel fine about it after. But I don’t and if everyone did, wouldn’t they  discuss is more? Or maybe it is something that makes people uncomfortable for a reason, just like speaking about rape. Its wrong, its unpleasant, its better left unsaid.

But the thing is, it’s not better left unsaid. 

 None of it. ask me about either experience, I’ll even unpolitically correct tell you which one hurt worse, and which was harder to survive.

Oh Well.

I really thought I was pregant. I was even throwing up, although I didn’t feel nasuaous all the time, but I would have to seriously run to the bathroom and throw up.  We only tried once, and I know the timing was off, but that has never made a difference in the past. But I am not pregnant. I’m just sleepy and vomitty I guess. I was sad and relieved all at the same time. Oh well.  We probably won’t try this month, but maybe I’ll get all dreamy and forget what vomitting feels like by February and maybe I’ll be able to convince the hubby to try one more time.

 

Update: remember that “butt game” I told you guys no one would want to play with their kids, but i posted the link anyway, well I had a headache and I played it with the kids, while I laid down and they loved it, I have never seem them so excited, I swear. So maybe it is a good HG game to keep in mind.

I Might Have Some News

we’ll see in a week or so, I’ll keep you updated.

Sometimes the Wrong Choices Bring Us to the Right Places

I like where i’m at. I like what I am learning to become.  I like my job. I actually like some of the changes that have gone on in my life, as a direct cause of all that has happened, with the HG and the termination.

I don’t like the constant backdrop of sadness and pain. I ldon’t like missing my child at christmas time, and thinking about how she would have been 7 months and we would be hanging another baby’s first chirstmas ornament up. I mostly don’t like that I don’t get to hold my baby every single day.

But there is a lot to be thankful for. There is joy this season.  It comes in waves, just as the sadness. Which when you think about it, is apropos for the story of the Birth and the holidays.

I leave you with this link: “40 ways to entertain your child, while lying down.” Although I imagine if a woman truly has HG, she is not going to play that butt game listed on there 🙂 she is going to rely on a whole lot of movies, and maybe even youtube. (what you guys don’t give your 3 year old free reign of youtube? huh… Maybe I’ll have to rethink my parenting plan…)

http://www.babycenter.com/0_40-ways-to-entertain-your-kids-while-lying-down_10350158.bc?scid=mbtw_post20m_3w%3A1259&pe=MlV5blFFQnwyMDExMTEwMw

You Might be Wondering Where I’ve Been

kids, gotta love em. My son manage to take out the LCD screen on our brand new lap top.  So we are sans computer at our home right now. He almost managed to take out the LCD screen and the digital camera in one shot, but our digital camera is resilent.

My friend had her baby.  I’m so excited for her. I can’t wait to see him and hold him, but I am also terrified of it. I have yet to hold an infant since all this. So I am hoping that I can just embrace him with only love and a tiny bit of jealousy and no sadness. That’s my goal. I also have yet to purchase her a present because I can’t stand the idea of going into Babies R. Us.  From the look of her registry so was gifted with like everything anyway. This woman’s friends hooked her up. I have to start hanging where she hangs, and find these people to be my friends- I mean she has like half of Babies R Us in her home.

I am thinking of making a diaper cake. I can get the essentials at CVS or Target or some other store where baby stuff is not so in your face, and doesn’t create feelings of longing and sadness and meanness projected toward my husband who still won’t budge! Doesn’t he know my eggs are getting older!! like next week they will be 29.

Recipe Preperation

Hello all, I’ve been gone for a while. Life is just going on.  I liked my new job a lot, then they fired the managing attorney, and now its a bit chaotic, and I don’t really like it as much.  But it has given me a chance to show the higher ups what I know and what I can do, and I think they’ve been impressed, and most importantly work although there’s a lot of it, isn’t too stressful and I don’t mind it. Its a whole lot better than the job I was in last year.  I don’t know how I managed the last place, given my fragile state of affairs as well.  It was really compounding the misery.

I started back  on the diet, but I’m not going to kid myself, because Halloween is around the corner, and I know myself too well, and I don’t have immediate motivation to stay on it, because it doesn’t seem like there’s a baby plan in the near future. (If anyone has any tips on how to convince my husband that 1. we need a baby and 2. he should take care of everyone while I’ll lie in bed for 9 months- let me know).

I added a website to my prep binder, for the future, and i also pinned it. I have a little HG section on pinterest, so all the info I gather is accessible. I also have it in a binder, because when I have HG I can not look at a computer screen or I will vomit uncontrollably! If you don’t know about pinterest yet, check it out. Its kind of fun, it kind of also makes you jealous of other peoples time to craft and design and bake….but mostly its fun.

So without further ado (FOODMENT) here is the link to make some frozen dinners. They are probably not all that healthy, but considering in my first HG pregnancy my child lived off of frozen chicken nuggets and boxed drinks, this is probably better. I plan to do this right after Christmas, and deep freeze it, so that even if there are no plans to get pregnant, if it by chance happens (like it did last time) then I will be a little more ready. If anyone is further interested I have a few other websites that link up to once a month cooking ideas (you can also google).

http://www.aturtleslifeforme.com/2011/06/freezer-meals-on-cheap.html

Oh and I am also linking to this, because its frickin’ awesome and will blow your mind, and I’m pretty sure it is going to change my life (well my baking life anyway) and I wish I would have found it years ago! you’re welcome.

Mind-Blowing Cake Decorating Tip

One Year Ago

I hope to not always mark this day, but I somehow think I will.

One year ago today, I made a horrible decision. I forever changed my life and the life of the people around me.

Of course, I wasn’t thinking clearly then, but I am now, and I’m beyond sad and beyond regretful. I hope nobody chooses this path. It sucks. Its a much harder path than HG. I can say and preach that because I affirmatively know that.

The Trip I Was Suppose to Take a Year Ago

We just got back from visiting my friend and sister and her new baby (although new is used lightly because we were there for his first birthday).  Maybe you remember it was the trip I cancelled and could have no way gone on last year.  It was bitter sweet to be taking the trip the same time as I was suppose to, and it brought me down HG and termination memory lane, but it was also fun too. Exhausting as we covered a lot of ground in a week.  My sister’s children are beautiful. Her baby looks just like her, and he looks just like an angel.  He wanted to be on my sister’s him all the time, so I didn’t get to cuddle him as much as I would have liked, and it only made my longing for a baby of my own stronger. One year old babies are just perfect. They are rolly and pudgy and smiley and past the newborn stage, which although cute, is a lot of darn work! I am still waiting for someone to just hand me one.

But the trip down HG memory lane, did put me in check too, so you know, there won’t be any newborns around here for a while. Especially if my husband has his way, but that’s a post for another time.

We enjoyed or visit. It is good to keep busy during these times.  We celebrated my HG babies third birthday, in his hometown of Cambridge, MA.  We took him to the Harvard Museum right where we use to live. They have dinosaur bones, my boy is obsessed with dinosaurs. Its like the only word he says all day long, from the second he wakes up to the moment he is sleeping, and sometimes in his sleep-OBSESSED.  Have I mentioned I have an obssessive personality too?

Anyway we were right by his birth center, no one else was up for a reenactment of his birth and our trip to the center, but I did it in my head all day 😉 ( I sadly thought about the HG I endured with him all day too) You have to take the bitter with the sweet sometimes I guess.  But when I look at him on his birthday, the sense of accomplishment I feel is huge.  That I endured all I did, that I was strong, that I didn’t give in to my thoughts of ending that pregnancy, and here he is: alive, breathing, asking me to dance and loving dinosaurs.

I am coming up to a year when I terminated the last pregnancy. October 13th. I won’t soon forget the date.

As for my job. I have choosen to follow my gut feeling. I kept trying to talk myself out of my gut feeling because it didn’t seem to make sense, it still doesn’t. I still flip flop in my head and say, well what if… But in the past I have gotten in trouble doing that.  I am staying at the job I’m currently at. I am not going to take the other position that promises more money, and more power. I might be crazy.  And worse, they think I am starting tomorrow and I havn’t told them I’m not yet. I think thats one of the biggest bridge burning things I’ve ever done.  But I seem to like where I am right now, and I havn’t liked a job in a long time. The medical insurance is better and they seem like they will be open to flex time, two considerations that are important to me if I ever want to have a possible HG pregnancy.

The New Job and Planning for the Future

So, I mentioned I want to have a baby soon (ish).  There are a few obstacles to this of course, one and the most major is that my husband is not really on board.  The second and equally large, is I question if this is my true want or an ache I am trying to fill, the third is that I am the bread-winner and can’t be out of work (ie when is there a good time for an HG pregnancy), etc. etc. etc.

Anyway, I got a new job, I left my old job on Friday and started the new one on Tuesday (Monday was labor day). I have been blessed that usually when one job ends I find another fairly quickly.  It is an area of law I am familiar with, but not in love with.  My real love is criminal law, but I can’t find a way to make it pay the bills right now. I am trying to help my husband’s buisness grow so that eventually that will pay the bills, but it is slow coming. My thought was also that if my husbands business makes money, then I can take a little time off of work and be holed up in bed, pregnant.

Well I got a call from one of the jobs I interviewed with and I really liked the Woman I met with, but they had made me a very low offer and I turned it down. They called again and the woman I met with is gone, and they need someone to come in and eventually fill her role, but they want to see what I can do first. So the offer is higher than their first offer, but about 8K lower than the job I’m currently at. The upside is, there is the potential for growth, and its a lot closer to my home. I am really torn about what to do. And I think part of my reservation is the baby thing.  The company  I am at now, has great medical insurance. a $500 deductible! No emergency room copays, and they are established, they probably will give me the time off I need for short-term disability and I think that would be ok. The other job is a smaller office, the insurance is not as good, a 2k deductible and they would probably let me go if I get pregnant and sick and can’t work.  So it makes me think I shouldn’t go there, but I don’t have immediate plans to have a baby either so, I can’t figure out why I am letting it affect my decision so greatly. The truth is, I am usually so sick and for so long, that short-term disability isn’t really enough time, and I will probably end up loosing my job anyway. I would also want to stay home with the baby for a while too and the line of work I am in, well they frown upon you taking your one week vacation, so you can imagine…

I was lucky that both times before even though I had near no money, job etc, I was able to work it out so that I stayed home with both babies until they were 9 months old, then I returned part-time to work.  I dont’ think our situation this time around would allow it, but it would be nice to dream and scheme and maybe come up with a way, a bridge I’ll cross if/when I get to it.

My thought process is that one of the jobs has more potential for growth. The salary difference comes out to about $100 less a week, which isn’t a huge difference, I’m sure we can make that work.  But to eventaully make that back would require me to work there at least a year, and if I want to have a baby, then I will need to put that plan on hold for another year at least.  But then I can potentially make more money, and I can start a fund to save to have an HG pregnancy, or maybe an adoption or whatever, a nest egg never hurts. The potential new job is right around the corner from my kid’s school,  seriously I could walk there, which I do love.  It just seems counterintuitive to take a job for less money in this economy though. And even if they give me a 10k raise in three months, it will take six months before I make up the difference of what I could have made at the job I’m at now, and unless I am really planning to stay longer-term then I’m not sure if it makes sense.

One minute I am convinced I should go, the next I think I should stay where I am at, i have this total inability to make any decisions lately, which is why I have just put off making decision, and I wonder if that is party of my reservation with taking a leap into the unknown. And I think this idea of maybe having a baby, and trying to plan for an HG pregnancy influences me so much. I mean imagine if I didn’t have to think about any of this, and I could just have a normal pregnancy and even work through it…le sigh.

From Then to Now

So, I’ve mentioned before, I started this job right after the termination of the pregnancy. About one month after. I had the first interview while I was pregnant., subsequent interviews I was not pregnancy.  (I also mentioned before how I didn’t spit for a whole two hours- or throw up during the first interview? more on my theories on that later).

My job is coming to an end this week.  I have never really liked this job, and I can’t pinpoint why.  I make decent money, and its not very hard, I don’t have to go to Court, the hours are reasonable (the people are not very nice), but I just never felt right here. I think I can guess why. When I started this job, I was majorly fucked up. Did I just curse? Yes I did, it is my blog after all, and I tend to use the F word a whole lot- just keeping it real (although I am trying to break the bad habit- sort of- half assing it anyway). So back to the point, I was all types of crazy, and yet still functioning. Basic things, I forced myself out of bed, I mostly brushed my teeth, I drove to work. Anything beyond that, is just sort of icing on the cake, although I don’t think my employer really would agree with that. But basically, I am proud of the job I did here considering the difficulty of working with the management here, their total lack of organization, manners (insert sexual harassment issues here) and my general crazy-ness that is just part of me and that was a direct result of loosing the baby.

I needed this job. It was my life line for a while.  It kept me moving forward.  I think it was sent to me because it was needed at the time, it is now being taken away from me because it is time to move on. It was never meant to be a permanent stomping ground. But I would have kept it because I was complacent, because I didn’t want to change, I didn’t want to devote energy to finding something else.  So the universe knows it has to be taken away from me in order for me to keep moving forward.

I don’t really need an excuse to get out of bed in the morning.  I can do it on my own. Its not always pleasant and truth be told getting back into bed at night and crying myself to sleep, well that has become a sad, but comforting routine, I’m not ready to give that up yet.

So soon, I am coming up to the anniversary of the termination.  It is around this time that I found out I was pregnant, I can recall the terror and fear that came over me. I feel a little bit of terror and fear with all the uncertainty that is going on right now. ie will I have money to pay for my daughter’s school? Food, health insurance, etc?  This seems to be a reoccurring pattern, the season/month that my life starts taking different twists. Maybe the moon is in Jupiter or something like that.

But still I look back to a year ago, around the time of the termination, around the time I started this job, and see that that chapter is coming to a close. Literally, figuratively, all of it.  In a lot of ways it has felt like time has stood still, with the pain being so fresh and raw sometimes, but really objectively speaking I have come so very far.